Thursday, December 29, 2011

On My Blog Title

Today I was thinking of my blog title and wanted to write a little post about what it means and why I chose it for my blog.

God has many "divine names".  He is Existence itself, Love itself, Truth, Justice, Mercy, Being, Knowledge and Goodness itself.  All of who God is, is existence.  He is Existence itself.  His essence equals His existence.  To say God exists is to say who and what He is.  God is also fully love.  His essence, or who and what He is, is Love itself.  It is so hard to fully grasp this with our finite minds.  But it is wonderfully amazing to contemplate it even just a little.  God is Love itself! 

"He that loveth not, knoweth not God: for God is love." 1 John 4:8 

What we know of love is a small portion of Love itself and when we love, we share in a participation with Love itself.  In the same fashion, through our own existence, we share in a participation of God, Existence itself.  Knowing more of who and what God is, helps us to love and trust Him more. 

When I think of the people who love me most, I think first of my husband, parents, cousins, and siblings.  Their love for me is real and true, but it is nothing compared to the love God love's me with. For His essence, His being, is love.  There is no love more real, more fully active than Love Itself. 

This brings me to why I chose this title for my blog.  I chose it because I want to always remind myself and others who God is.  He is Love itself.  With this reminder, I hope to learn to trust Him more completely and fully.  I hope to remind myself each day that there is nothing God allows that is not without reason, or a purpose and some greater good.  It is my hope that my dear readers are blessed with this reminder each time they read this blog.  Be not afraid, put your trust in Him, for His essence is Love! 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I want to say thank you to TCIE for praying for me during my first prayer buddies!  I am so grateful for all your prayers and feel especially blessed by them considering all of the heartache and suffering God is allowing you to go through.  I have been following your blog, and one thing is for sure, God is molding you into something wonderful.  His plan is at work in your life now and I pray with so many others that God will show you a glimpse of how beautiful His plans for you are.  My husband and I are now praying for you and your husband that your journey here on out will be filled with peace and happiness.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light!  May God bless you, TCIE, and thanks for your prayers!

My prayer buddy this advent was Angela at Mary Grace Holmes!  Angela, you and your intentions have been in my prayers each day.  I have enjoyed reading your blog and getting to know you.  I prayed the rosary and chaplet for you during my holy hour and have offered up my times of suffering for your intentions.  May God bless you and your beautiful family!  It was an honor praying for you!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Why I Cancelled FB

Today I am getting my haircut with my older sister and my mom.  My sister lives in the city and is coming home for about a week.  We have gotten to be closer over the years, so it's nice to have her in town to catch up.  Plus, she can see our wood stove!  haha I feel like I've somehow mentioned that thing in almost every post since we had it installed.  My poor readers, you must be so tired of hearing about it! :)

I just read a blog post about FB recently.  It reminded me of all the many, many reasons I'm not on it anymore.  I thought I'd share them here and maybe encourage others to follow my lead and cancel FB.  Okay, I'm not really trying to convince you all, but I do feel very strongly about my reasons for not liking it.  Before I begin, I will admit that there are many good uses of FB.  I think it depends on one's personality and how they use it, as with many things. 

Rather than connecting me to people, FB made me feel more distant from certain friends of mine.  If I hadn't checked FB for a few days, I would miss someone's post about meeting for coffee or miss a group invite for some party.  Suddenly I realized I had a cell phone, work email (when I was still working), personal email and now FB that I needed to check in order to stay in communication with some friends.  It's now my opinion that if I need FB to stay in touch with friends then they are not really close friends to being with.  

I'm a very sensitive person.  I get jealous super easy and I feel  sorry for myself often.  The root cause of those problems is that I compare myself to others.  I've found that FB is like the comparing person's nightmare.  First of all, people only post their most beautiful looking photos, I mean, why wouldn't they?  And the news they post is almost always the exciting stuff going on.  It's hard to feel content with your life when everyone is posting their travel, baby, wedding photos and so many wonderful tidbits of their life.  I remember feeling like I wanted to post beautiful photos myself, and I know one of  my motives was to make myself look good.

The time issue was another problem.  It was hard to spend a short amount of time on FB.  And even after signing out, I would sometimes find myself still dwelling on a comment, analyzing it to no end.  Or I would become immediately dissatisfied with myself, my life, my husband, ....you name it, I could always find something that made me feel not good enough.  FB had the power to suck the happiness right out of my day, without my agreeing to it.  There are endless avenues of potential discontent and my husband could tell when he would come home if I had been on FB.  My mood could usually say it all.  It was something I read, or something I saw that threw me off.  I just got really tired of my mood being so dependent on how my check in with FB went.  And honestly, now that I don't have it, I have never been happier.  Well, I still have my days obviously, but in general, I feel free from the comparison trap.

If you're anything like me, I would strongly encourage you to pull the FB plug.  You will thank me.  Your friends will begin to know that they have to call you to events because you're not on FB.  You'll start actually spending time with people in real life more.  You won't be moved to tears with another baby announcement.  It will be easier to not compare yourself or your life to others.  And those are just a few of the benefits of not having FB.

The other reason I don't have it, is because I want my life to be less open to the public.  I know you can have privacy settings and I know you can only share what you want to.  I don't want to post on FB when I finally conceive (God willing I do conceive someday!).  That would be like me throwing my pearls to swine.  Something I am hoping, praying, and struggling with is so precious and special to me.  How can I just broadcast it to all of FB as if it's just another "event".  Just another day, just another baby.  Because that's what it would be to those reading it.  I would get the normal congratulations and I know that I want so much more than just that.  I would want them to have understood what I've gone through and that this wasn't just another baby announcement.  Does that make any sense? 

I think it started before I got engaged.  So many people were getting engaged and I didn't want our engagement or marriage to be just another one shared on FB.  I had a lot of personal anxiety at that time and it was so much better for me to not be on FB while I was going through a huge life changing time.  Now I feel like things are no different in regards to how I feel about FB.  Maybe it's too impersonal for me, I don't know.  But now, those who know about my struggle to have a baby are close to me in real life or they are my readers on this blog.  I prefer it that way.  I think I'm better off without FB and I think if you can relate to any of what I've written you may be as well.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Better :)

I wanted to write another post because my last one was so depressing!  My Mom and I are fine now.  Of course I didn't mean it when I said "don't ever call me again" but she said she knew how deeply I must have been hurting to say something like that.  My Mom is always forgiving, and after we talked again about 10 minutes after I wrote the last post, I was feeling so much better.  I think I was just really hurting because I want my husband and I to be the ones bringing kids over my parent's house.  And since that isn't happening, and the cousin I'm not really on good terms with right now was bringing her kids over, it was an all around upsetting situation for me. 

In other news, I don't think I mentioned this here before, but my husband and I sing in our church choir.  We had practice tonight and I am SO excited about the music we're singing for Midnight Mass.  We have a new director and she is working wonders with our group.  We sound really good!  I should see about recording our singing and putting it up on my blog. 

I feel like I've had some very dramatic mood swings these past few days.  The phone call with my Mom was one, and the other one was when we came home to our house (hubs and I) and it was freezing inside.  The wood stove doesn't load itself, so unless we keep the electric heat on at least a little, our house is pretty chilly when we've been out for a while.  The cold makes me so irritable, and I think I was also hungry.  My poor husband had to hear me rant on about how it was such a bad idea to get this stove and I just CAN'T stay here if it's going to be this cold!!!  Well, we're all better now, but I've just noticed myself being more irritable. 

Then this afternoon I felt nauseous for a couple hours.  You're probably already guessing that I'm putting all these things together and wondering if I could possibly be pregnant.  Why would I even want to go there?  I can't make myself crazy with signs and symptoms.  I'm sure so many of you have been here before.  I want to go there and imagine what it would be like if I did find out I was pregnant this cycle.  But how can I?  I feel so foolish for even entertaining the idea, and at the same time I want to.  But I want it to be my reality this time!  Wow, that would be so amazing!!!!  

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Not doing well

I'm really sad tonight.  I spent some time with my cousins and their kids, one has three, the other has two.  And I don't get along with one of the cousins and her husband pretty much most of the time.  I found out that my parents are hosting them at their house for the week so they can visit with my other cousin while they're in town.  Kind of confusing, but the main point is my parents know how I've been hurt by things my cousin's husband has said to me and I feel like they're betraying me by letting them stay over and also my father is giving work to them as well (the husband got laid off from his previous job).  I told my Mom I'm not going to the Christmas eve party or to their house on Christmas day.  Then I did something bold and told her to never call me again.  What is wrong with me?  I got so jealous when she was telling me that my cousin's kids were over and climbing all overt things and laughing.  I just felt like she likes them better and I feel so hurt.  I am so sad we don't have kids yet.  And I can't stand my cousin being at my parents house with her children.  Usually when I'm hurt I just pull away, and I guess this instance is no different.  This evening while with my cousins and their children, all I did was knit.  I talked a little, but was mostly trying to focus on my knitting so I wouldn't feel sad.  My Mom has no idea how hard it is to not have kids.  She told me once she cried each cycle after she was married until she found out she was pregnant with my older sister.  A whole three months after she was married.  She can't possibly know how I feel.  I wish I didn't even know they were staying over there.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Appointment number 2

It's been a little while since I've posted.  We had our second meeting with my Napro doctor this past Friday.  She was really happy with my chart, so of course that made me really happy too.  I am going to try to gain some weight, per her request, but want to gain mostly from fruit, nut and vegetable fats.  Avocados and flax seed and other good sources of healthy fats are on my list.  Besides that, she wants my husband to have a semen analysis and me to have a tube test.  She suggested both those tests before any further blood work and ultrasounds for me.  I know it's really rare, but I'm afraid that something will be wrong with my husbands test and there will be nothing they can do for us.  As a result of that fear, I feel like I'm not interested in knowing the results.  What if there is something wrong?  I don't want to think it is his fault nor do I want him to feel that way.  The truth is, infertility or sub fertility is no ones "fault".  God has allowed this for us and it isn't random.  His ways are purposeful and He alone has my greatest good in mind.  Trusting that, and remembering that too, is my job. 

On another note, my husband and I have our gifts for our secret santa exchange but I am again leaning towards not going.  Christmas is such a special time and I really want to make it meaningful and prayerful for the two of us.  It's making me sad thinking we'll be spending it with people whom aren't really on the same page as we are with faith and important things.  They are my extended family, so I love them all, but I want more than just to see them a couple times a year.  I want relationships with them, I want to share my feelings with them, my struggles, joys, and actually hang out with them besides holidays.  And of course, I want them to feel the same with me.  When we don't share the faith and other important values, it becomes really difficult to spend even a couple holidays together.

Oh yeah, and I mentioned the night sweats to my doctor and she wants to look into the root cause.  They started when I began my medication for anxiety, so I am almost certain the meds are causing them.  The doctor wants to see if the medicine isn't masking some hormonal imbalance.  I told my husband I would be so THRILLED if I could stop taking this medicine.  It helps my anxiety so much, but I have always kind of been anti medicine.  It pretty much took a miracle to get me to try it in the first place.  Then when it helped my anxiety so much I was really happy I tried it.  But the night sweats and also the fact that it just isn't natural are what bother me now.  Prayer buddy, if you're reading this, please pray that my problem is something hormonal.  Then if I can get my hormones in balance naturally, I could possibly help my anxiety without medication and also achieve a pregnancy!  Pray hard, buddy, because I'm counting on you!!!!!  :)  No pressure!  hehe  And thanks in advance for all your prayers.  I don't know you yet, but I am greatful for you!

God bless you all and good night!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Question

Does anyone know anything about night sweats and why woman can have them?  I've been trying to get information from online, but you know how hard that can be sometimes.  So I thought I'd reach out to you ladies.  For a while now I've been experiencing night sweats.  They aren't all the time, but they're annoying when they do happen.  Yesterday morning and then again this morning I woke up and my clothes were all damp and I felt sweaty.  I've been trying to see if I can notice a pattern when they happen.  I think they happen more towards the end of my cycle.  I'm due for my period any time now.  In fact, I thought I was going to get it yesterday.  I wonder if this could have to do with low progesterone?  I'm really looking forward to meeting with my napro doctor (next friday) to see what she thinks of this.  If anyone has any information on what helps them, please advise!  Am I going through menopause at 28?  haha I sure hope not!!!

And Hebrews, you need to get a wood stove, they are awesome!  Super cozy!!  :)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Happy Feast Day!

It's cold out today!  I woke up early to get our stove going.  I thought my husband was still home, but I saw him pull out of the driveway just as I was coming down stairs.  The stove kept the house pretty warm during the night.  I feel like we're living in the pioneer days over here, and I just love it.  For some reason, not using our electric heat, and burning wood instead has made me slow down a little more and take in the moment longer.  I am loving this thing.  Who knew I could write so much about a little stove?  I guess you could say it's a new simple pleasure of mine.

Yesterday I was busy at work.  I made two aprons.  I think I have been inspired by a blogger who has written about the aprons she has made.  It's a pretty simple sewing project.  I thoroughly enjoyed doing some hand sewing in the living room with the wood stove going!  Two simple pleasure in one!

In other news, I got a call that my appointment with the napro doctor needs to be rescheduled to next Friday.  I'm also due for my period sometime soon.  Which reminds me, my chart the past few days have been showing no cm.  I've been taking a B6 supplement and we've also stopped using dryer sheets in the dryer.  Those were the two things our charting instructor suggested to help clear up the non-fertile cm that was showing towards the end of my cycle last time.  So far, it seems to be helping! 

Today is a wonderful Marian feast day, the feast of the Immaculate Conception.  I prayed a rosary today for those of us waiting and all my readers.  Happy feast day!  God bless you all!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Hope

I'm happy to report that our wood stove is in and working well.  I spent the morning trying to get a fire going, but the few pieces of wood we had were kind of wet, so it took a few tries.  But it finally worked, the fire started and didn't burn out.  It even got up to 375 degrees or so!  We have a magnetic thermometer that helps us gauge the temp. of the fire.  We needed to build three "starter" fires, each with it's own max. temp. that increased with each fire.  The point, I guess, is to not have too hot a fire right away, but to slowly build to a clean burning hot fire.  I feel like an expert already! haha


I haven't written much about the part time job I started with a direct selling company.  I guess that's because I'm still kind of unsure of how much I want to do this.  The thing is, I bought my starter kit and even attended someone's show so I could "shadow" her.  So, I'm going through the motions of this part time job and I am still unsure of myself inside.  I'm afraid to hold shows and ask people if they will host shows for me.  Maybe it will get easier as time goes on and I do more home shows, but as for now, I don't know how I feel.  Even though my husband did get that "compression" raise recently, we could always use extra money coming in to help clear our credit cards and loans faster.  So I'm stuck again being unsure of what I want to do.  Why does this always happen to me?  I have three shows lined up for January, but no shows in December.  A part of me feels like I need to book more shows, and then the other part of me doesn't want to because I'm afraid to be in front of people selling a product!  I know, it's kind of silly.  I guess deep down I'm a little embarrassed to be working with a direct selling company.  And I still feel a little like a failure.  Why can't I be letting people know I'm expecting?  Just like all my friends seem to be.  I guess I can offer these feelings up for my prayer buddy right now.  I know Jesus knows what it's like to feel humiliated and embarrassed.  My feelings are so petty compared to what He went through out of love for me.  It is still hard though, I still want Him to take these feelings away and replace them with joyful ones.  Prayer buddy, I am giving this all for you today.  You have my prayers for your intentions!  I also want you to know that I included you in a prayer intentions list we have at our adoration chapel.  It's so nice to have someone to offer my struggles and sadness up for.

In turn, I'm asking my prayer buddy to please help me to have hope that my husband and I will have a baby someday.  Please pray for me to have hope in God's plan for my life.  Thank you!!!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Candles

We were supposed to meet with our charting instructor yesterday, but I asked to reschedule because I am still not feeling well.  We are, however, going to see our Napro doctor this Friday.  My husband has the day off, so we'll be able to take it easy there and back (it's a two hour trip each way).

I want to make a few gel candles for Christmas gifts.  They're so easy to make.  Michaels craft store has a tub of clear gel wax that is easy to melt down and pour into small glass containers.  You can also buy a wick and some cute little decorations to put inside the candles.  I made a bunch of candles a few years ago but have been out of the habit of doing it lately.  It turns out since we haven't cancelled plans with my extended family on Christmas Eve that we may just end up going because we're in the secret santa. I'm frustrated about that, but it's my own fault because I didn't want to make the call and cancel.  Ugh.  So I was thinking I could make a candle as a gift for my secret santa.  


I'm sorry I don't have anything more to write.  I think my stuffy head is making it hard for me to think and write. I'll try to write more tomorrow.  Our wood stove will be arriving tomorrow, I'm so excited!!  Well, have a good night and God bless.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Soup

So, I guess I caught my husbands cold.  Yeah, the one I originally passed to him, came back again to me.  We just love to share, what can I say?  Last night I was thanking God that we weren't both sick at the same time, that would be a real bummer.  That reminds me.  I am praying each night for my prayer buddy!  And I have already done a holy hour with a rosary and chaplet for her and her intentions!  :)  I don't know why I'm bragging about that, I just felt like mentioning it. Is it really bragging when you are talking prayers?  I wonder.

I just finished making homemade chicken, veggie, and bean soup.  I hope it tastes as good as it smells.

Not too much else is going on around the home front.  We have our wood stove coming on Monday, and will be getting our chimney swept by one of our neighbors this Friday.  My husband and I are thinking about doing something different for Christmas this year.  We've only been married about a year and a half (a little over that now), but we want to establish some of our own traditions, even though we don't have any kids yet.  I mean, who is to say that you need to have kids in order to establish family traditions?  I was annoyed when it was kind of assumed we would spend Christmas the way my family always has - at an Uncle's house on Christmas eve.  I know it wasn't meant as rude, but I felt annoyed that nobody even asked us if we planned to come.  We just got thrown into the secret santa thing and now we have two people we need to buy for.  Enough, I say!  I'm going to give them a call and let them know we have other plans for Christmas.  Not sure what they are yet, but that's okay.  Even if its just a quiet Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my husband, I will be happy!  I feel like a rebel.  Not going to the traditional festivities.  How can I do that?  Well, it's easy, I just won't go.  I'm not waiting until I have kids to stop doing something I don't like doing already.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family.  It's just that I want some space and some respect that my husband and I are our own family now, kids or no kids.  Thus, we will make our own plans.  Wow, that just went on way longer than I planned.  You get the picture.  Well I better go check on the soup.  Have a nice night!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Advent, Piano and more

I love to decorate.  My husband and I have taken out our Advent wreath and some other things from our basement.  We have a little strand of green garland with lights that I put in our dining room and it just adds the perfect touch of colored lights to the room.  Then I put some pretty Christmas ribbon on our stair railings.  I love making things pretty and festive!

We got a piano this weekend!!  My husband plays, and I am eager to learn.  The piano was FREE, by the way, and we love anything free. It is an upright piano, but a shorter one.  It looks nice in our dining room.  We had talked about getting a piano someday, but I never thought we'd get a good one for free.  God is so generous.  The piano needs tuning, but that's pretty much it.  Hurray for free things and God's generous love!

Our Thanksgiving was nice, but my husband came down with a cold the day after and has been fighting it since.  I feel bad, because I think he may have gotten it from me.  I had a few mornings where I was waking up with a sore throat and when I started feeling better was when he started feeling sick.  :(  Neither one of us gets sick very often, so I'm not that used to when my husband is sick.  I hope I'm doing a good job taking care of him!

We have our third appointment with our charting instructor this Saturday.  I think we are ready to make another appointment with the Napro doctor in December.  I will have two full cycles charted soon.  I am hopeful going to the Napro doctor will help us.  I just really hope that I wont need any surgeries.  I hope that the problem is simple and we can fix it with supplements, progesterone or something similar. I had one day at the end of my period where there was cm that was brownish.  I am guessing that isn't good.  Maybe the problem is low progesterone?  Prayer buddy, please pray that we can have a simple solution to this. 

Happy Advent to all!  I am praying for a peace-filled and joyful Advent for all of my readers.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanks be to God

God has always taken care of us.  I am so amazed at the providence, protection and power of God.  Let me share with you a little story.  It means so much to me because I have been stressed about money a lot recently.  First let me say, I am moving forward with the direct selling business.  I'm at peace with it and feel like I can take things as slow as I want.  So, along with being stressed about money, my husband and I have been talking about money saving ideas, possible ways to pay off debt sooner and everything.  Well, yesterday my husband comes home with great news!  He got a "compression" adjustment at work.  He didn't know what it was until yesterday, but it is an income adjustment that takes place to ensure that he is in line with market standards right now.  It takes effect his next paycheck!  The amount we were hoping to make extra, he will now be getting plus a little extra.  And this isn't even a normal raise.  Those take place in April.  So, long story short, we are super thankful!!!!  I don't need to do this part time job after all.  But since I've already kind of got things rolling, I am going to keep at it and see how things go.  Any extra money coming in will just help us pay things off faster.  I am so thankful to God.  I know things like this ought to teach me how to trust in Him even more, but I am always trying to improve in that area of my life.  Trust is so important though, because as God told St. Faustina, the more a soul trusts in Him, the more He will bless them!

On another note, I am so excited for Thanksgiving.  My husband and I are making this: 

http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2007/11/double-layer-pumpkin-cheesecake.html

with the oatmeal cookie crust.  I am so excited!  Husband also has a shorter week this week and we are going to be getting our permit for the wood stove.  Another thing I'm excited about.  :)  Our stove gets installed December 5th, for any one out there who is interested in that little tidbit of info. :)  Oh yeah, and the apron I was making is done.  I'm going to give it to my Mom for Christmas.  Other than that, everything is going well.  We are mid way through our second month of charting.  It is not fun, but we're getting through it.  Per our instructors recommendation, we are "avoiding" this month.  Funny, because I didn't think I had to actively avoid, but I think she may be worried about a conception that wouldn't survive for some reason.  Either that or she just wants me to not be confused when trying to read the cm signs.  Anyway, we'll be happy when this learning period is over and we can see the Napro doctor to review my charts.

Well, thank you all for your prayers.  I really appreciate them!  I have peace with my decision and God has blessed us with extra income through my husbands job.  It's hard to not be tempted to spend the extra money on stuff we don't need, but I am being good and we are sticking to our budget! :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Prayers

Last night I was unable to fall asleep until around 3 or 3:30 am.  I'm not sure why I've been having trouble sleeping lately.  Then, all day today I've had a headache that hasn't seemed to let up.  It's just been one of those days, I guess.  We don't have much to snack on at home, it's raining and I was crying this afternoon. 

I am not sure if I should be posting this, but I may sign up with a direct selling business soon in an effort to make some extra money.  It's been interesting.  I go from being excited about it and wanting to do really well, to becoming really sad and discouraged about the whole thing.  I don't want to fail, nor do I want to work hard at it.  Not sure how those two things are going to fit together, I just know what I'm feeling.  I'm so sad.  Why can't I be thinking baby things right now.  Or just plain household stuff.  Why did I even think doing a part time job was a good idea?  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I shouldn't have quit my job.  Now I'm looking to work again.  In my mind that means I failed and I'm having to go back to the page I thought I left.  I thought I left the working page.  Left it in order to have kids and start a family.  How foolish of me to think I knew what was in my future.  Only God knows that.  So He also knew I'd be crying today on this rainy November afternoon.  Should I go forward with this part time job to try and sell stuff?  I guess if I really don't like it then I can stop.  But I feel like I have this need to succeed to make up for the area in my life that I feel like I failed.  Sorry if this doesn't make any sense.  I hope I can fall asleep early tonight and sleep the whole night through.  I don't like being awake at night while my husband sleeps. 

I went to a meeting last night for this direct selling group.  Everyone was talking money, giving and getting rewards for financial achievements and milestones.  In my opinion, money seems to be the only reason anyone does this type of work.  And they tell you that the sky is the limit.  However much time you wish to devote to the parties and the selling, you can do that, and you'll get back the amount that you put into it.  Basically, if you work really hard, you can make a lot of money.  I don't know how hard I want to work at it, if I do move forward.  My heart doesn't seem to be fully in it, at least not today.  Then I think, we really could use money to help with a couple credit cards that we have had since we closed on the house and of course, student loans which we both still have.

I just want us to be a little more financially set.  But that's such a relative state, how do I know that I won't continue to keep wanting to make just a little more money?  To be just a little more financially stable.  Gosh, this is the reason I quit in the first place.  We can live off one income and we can live simply.  So why am I looking to make extra money now?  I guess the purchase of the wood stove and a possible surgery has made me more on edge about money.  We'll be getting a tax refund that we plan to put right into our credit card and hope to pay it all off. 

Maybe working part time will give me something to do and something new to focus on.  Maybe it will be a good thing for me personally.  I guess only time will tell.  Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.  Sorry if it is jumbled and hard to follow.  That would most likely be due to my lack of sleep recently.  Please say a quick prayer I can make the right decision and that I will have peace with whatever I decide.  Thank you!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Gifts

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  I can't believe how quickly it seems to be coming.  My thoughts though, have been surrounding Christmas, which will be upon us before I know it!  There's a problem, though.  I'm not sure what to give anyone.  Last night I was really sad because I have no ideas for gifts for my family members.  I'm fairly crafty yet I'm having trouble thinking of what people will like.  My husband wants to make food for gifts.  He liked the cookie in a jar idea, and baking other sweet treats to package as gifts.  I suppose I like that idea too, but a part of me wants something that will last longer than food.  Food gets eaten and then it's gone.  Maybe we can make food in addition to something else I make.

I have some Christmas fabric that I'm thinking of making aprons out of.  My Mom has a few aprons, and I think she will like to wear a festive one during Christmastime, and I know she will love anything I make.  I think I just need to dive in and make it.  Of course, I don't have a pattern, so it's all going to be made free-hand.  I think I will post a picture of it when I'm done!  Wish me luck.

The other idea I had last night is similar to a spiritual bouquet.  Is that appropriate for a Christmas gift?  I guess I don't see why not.  I can say prayers and offer things up for a family member, and then share the prayers that were said with them.  I think I got the idea from the prayer buddies that I've read about online.

Any ideas for thoughtful, inexpensive gifts?  I'd love to hear them!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Fall Days

Hi Ladies!  Thanks so much for your comments.  For some reason I am always surprised when I see comments, especially my last post.  I wrote it about random stuff and almost didn't even post anything.  So, thank you!

Okay, so we put a down payment on our wood stove.  The guy at the store must have gotten commission because he was very friendly after we made the purchase. The good news is we should have the stove installed in three to four weeks, a lot sooner than another place could promise us.  We haven't bought wood yet, the essential key to a wood stove, but I'm sure we'll get some at some point. 

So, the meeting went well. She said that things looked promising!  I had gotten my period yesterday, so my cycle was 26 days.  I had four or five days of bleeding, the last day being a little spotting that to me looked kind of redish brown.  She was a little concerned about that and said it could be a sign of low progesterone levels.  Any thoughts, dear readers?  Also, towards the end of my cycle I was having some signs of non-fertile cm, which she said could be helped with a B6 vitamin and also avoiding using dryer sheets (??) Apparently dryer sheets have formaldehyde in them.  Wow, didn't know that one.  She suggested using natural ones or none at all.  So my husband is out buying me a B6 vitamin.  I'm here with my trusty heating pad, thanking God that this cycle's pain has been, for the most part, very manageable!  The instructor said I noted the peak day correctly, mine was on day 11.  I was surprised because the days leading up to peak day had noticeably good quality cm.  Sorry if this is too much info.  I figure you wouldn't be reading if you didn't have exposure to this kind of talk in the first place, so hopefully it's okay.   I also had a day where I didn't chart anything because we left my chart at our house while the power was out (we stayed with my parents who thankfully have a generator!) 

It was kind of funny, I didn't expect to be quizzed at the session with my instructor.  Just basic things, like am I doing such and such each time I check and I had to answer yes or no.  I felt like it was a test and if I got something wrong I'd have to come back many more times to meet with her.  Money is on my mind, so that was a stressful thought.  I know she just wants to make sure I'm checking and charting as accurate as possible to make the findings as "scientific" as possible.  What I didn't particularly like was that she kept trying to show us how we would chart if we were avoiding.  We're not interested in learning that, even though I know it goes hand in hand with learning to chart to try and achieve a pregnancy.  But for pete's sake, why do they have to teach it now?  Oh well.  Oh yeah, and the other thing, she wants us to not abstain completely this month but to not actively try this month.  So maybe that's why they want to teach us how to avoid.  That got me thinking, does she really think I'd become pregnant this month if we just timed it right?  If we "tried"?  Huh.  Then I was upset that she wanted us not to try, what if this could be our month?  I guess she just wants to have another month of charting to verify things.  I need to trust God that this wouldn't be the only month that would work, if it is His will we have a baby, it will be in His time, too.  It's so easy to write that, but such another thing to remind myself that when I need it most.

This is kind of random, but yesterday my neighbor was raking his lawn.  It was really breezy outside, so combine that with my general laziness, I was like "what is he doing raking now?"  Our yard could use a good raking, but neither my husband or myself find it important enough to do.  I mean, I'm writing a blog post, that is way more important than raking!  Anyway, so I'm watching him rake, and all the sudden a huge gust of wind blows from our yard over to his, so all the leaves from our yard migrating to his yard.  I felt bad, but the wind continued to blow all over, so they eventually came back to our yard.  But I did say to myself, see, that's why I'm not raking! :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Any Time Now

Thank you to those who commented on my last post.  I plan to look more into the anti-inflammatory diet, and actually have a book reserved at the library on that topic, now!  Thank you for your encouragement, advice and most of all for your prayers.  I appreciate them so much!

Today my husband went into work.  On a Saturday!  It's okay though.  He isn't able to get much work done during the week because he is always either in meetings, or being interrupted by the phone or by people needing help with something.  So he is putting in a half day today just to catch up on his actual work.  He is super busy at work.  Which I guess is a good problem to have in this economy.  I am thankful to God for his good job and for the fact that he loves what he does for work.

When he comes home we'll have lunch and then head out to another store that carries the wood stove we're looking at.  After that we are going to our second appointment with the creighton instructor.  We'll have a whole month done of charting so hopefully she will be able to give me some feedback on what my chart means.  I'm due for my period any time now.  The weird/funny thing is, yesterday I had a little spotting and immediately wondered, is this a sign I am pregnant?!  I must be losing it, because my husband and I have been abstaining this first month of charting so I'm not sure how a pregnancy would be possible.  :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Wood Stove

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted.  My husband and I decided to hold off on plans for surgery.  I have started learning how to chart using the Creighton model and we want to see what information we gain from doing that first.  I am a little unsure if we will find help just through charting, though, but for now I am putting my trust in God that this is where He wants us.  We have our second meeting with our instructor this weekend, and I will have a month of charting done by then, so I'm eager to hear what she thinks of it.  It's a little frustrating that the only way to confirm that I have endo is through surgery.  Obviously, there are symptoms and signs, but I only really have the very painful periods as a sign.  Well, and the difficulty in getting pregnant.  Is painful periods alone enough to justify surgery?  Is it possible to have that surgery and still experience painful periods after? 

Honestly, the questions and uncertainties surrounding a surgery right now are hard for us to justify financially.  It makes me feel bad admitting that but it's true.  Less than a year ago we bought a house and I stopped working shortly after we were married. I think it's hard because we're not sure that this is a necessary expense for us at this time, too.  Painful periods have been my life since I was a teenager, and I always thought when I became pregnant "one day" that my periods after would be easier and less painful.  I'm mad at myself for not getting this taken care of before I got married.  When I was working, I could have underwent surgery, but I didn't know I would have difficulty getting pregnant, so I was unmotivated to look seriously at my painful periods.  I just popped the Aleve like it was going out of style.  My Mom always worried about me with how many pills I would have to take each cycle.  But apparently she didn't worry enough because I just kept doing it and she never took me to get it looked into. Ugh.  Oh well, there is no use getting upset about it now.  I think we will try charting for a while to see what information is revealed through that and if surgery looks more and more necessary down the road, then we will reevaluate at that time.  Right now we just don't have enough information pointing to surgery being the answer for us.

We recently had our power out for a week after a big fall / winter storm.  There were so many leaves on the trees still and the weather wasn't cold enough, so the snow that fell was heavy and wet.  Bad, bad news, people!  The weird thing is, about two weeks before this storm hit, which by the way, we were NOT prepared for one bit, I was talking to my husband and some of our friends wondering if we needed a back up heating system in our house, just in case the power went out in the winter.  I'm convinced it was my guardian angel trying to get things in motion, perhaps to prepare us for the storm that was coming?  But we ended up agreeing that the power hardly ever goes out in the winter from a snow storm.  Ha!  We were all laughing about that conversation while sitting around the fireplace one evening during the power outage.  How weird is that to have talked about the very situation we found ourselves in just two weeks earlier?  Especially since everyone (but me! :) ) was so certain that a back up heating system was not needed. 

So, I'm happy to report we are looking into getting a wood stove for our little home.  :)  I am super excited.  I love the idea of tending this future stove and keeping the house warm while my husband is away winning the bread, hehe.  I feel like I am a colonial woman and I love it.  We have electric heat, so it should save us money on heating for sure.  The brand we're looking at is called Jotul.  I'd never heard of it before, but it is cute, cost effective and will heat our home.  It isn't cheap, but we figure it's an investment and necessary for us, especially after this past storm.  Last week's Gospel was about being prepared and keeping your lamps burning, for we know not the day nor the hour.  The deacon advised us all to be prepared for the upcoming word changes to the Mass this November 27th and then said he hopes we all have our lamps (and furnaces, ha!) burning soon.  Stay warm, all!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Update

I was so happy to see I had a comment on my last post! :) Thanks for reading and your comment, Power Perfect in Weakness!

Yesterday my period came.  So today I have been curling up with my heating pad and playing Bubble Shooter online.  If you haven't heard of it, I caution you now, because that game is very addicting.  My husband and I just beat it for the first time the other night and we were thrilled.  For a few days we thought it was impossible to beat.  Now I can win easily.  We aren't super into online games, it's just Bubble Shooter and of course Bubble Spinner is pretty fun too.  Anyway!

We decided to stay with our current health insurance plan.  Apparently we won't be saving any money by moving up to the comprehensive plan.  The premiums are ridiculous in that plan, so we want to stay with our current one. Even if it means we have a higher deductible, I think the numbers work out to saving money in the long run with this plan.  Since we now won't be waiting for a "better" insurance plan, we have given thought to moving forward with a recommendation from the Napro doctor for a surgical consult.

Last night my period was causing me a lot of pain and I told my husband I just wanted to get surgery as soon as possible.  I always worry about money though, so I was crying probably in part from having my period but also due to the realization that we'll find ourselves with a hefty bill if we do go through with surgery.  I know God will provide for us though.  He always has in the past.

Our Napro doctor gave us a few options, I can't remember if I posted about them in my last post, but they were esentially this:

I could have a surgery immediatley.
We could do charting to rule out other possible problems and then if needed, try surgery.
Or we could do charting as well as 6 months of medicinal therapy, and then if that all doesn't help, try surgery.

Since she thinks I have an 80 % chance of having endometriosis, a big part of me feels like I just want to have the surgery.  I could find myself with less painful periods and then God-willing even able to conceive.

So having given it thought, my husband and I decided to have a surgical consult next Friday.  At first it was going to be a month from now, and actually fell on the day I was due for my next period (yikes, pain while making long car trip?) so we decided to move it closer (I'm so impatient, so this works much better for me!) to the 28th.  My husband is taking the day off so we'll be driving about 3 hours to the surgeon and will try to make a day trip out of the visit so we can enjoy his time off as well.

I feel peaceful about this.  I want to move forward and lately I've been feeling like I want to move forward quicker than I normally prefer.  I guess I'm just ready to have answers and ready for us to start our family.  Any prayers you can offer for me next Friday would be so appreciated.  Though it's not like that is a surgery date, I just hope it all goes well and God will bless our efforts.  Sorry this post is kind of random and jumps all over the place.  I have to realize there are probably people reading this now, so I better try to write more coherently and not just stream of consciousness all the time!  God bless you readers!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Appointment

So we had our first appointment with the Napro doctor and it went well.  The doctor thinks I have about an 80 percent chance of having endometriosis.  My husband and I want to continue treatment there and may consider doing a surgery that was recommended.  This will all have to wait until the new year though, as our insurance is currently at the highest deductible offered through my husband's job.  Thankfully, we are in open enrollment now, so we can choose the higher premium plan that will allow us to pay co-pays for any doctor visits/surgery needed for next year.

I am so happy we are moving forward.  We plan to learn how to chart soon, so we'll be ready for the testing that may be needed next year.  Next year seems so far away, but it's only less than three months.  So, three more cycles to go and we will be on our way to finding out what is wrong.  Until now, I have been trying on my own to figure out if diet changes help and basically doing most of the research online myself.  It's been hard to know what is the right thing to do.  I've read so many nutrition and diet books geared towards optimum health.  So I'm happy to just be following orders now, because I can get carried away with trying to control everything myself.

My doctor confirmed that eating a vegetarian diet, as well as exercising and using a heating pad are all good ways to alleviate the pain during my periods and pain possibly due to endo. And, we have been avoiding dairy for a long time now, and that is supposedly good for all this as well.  Basically a no dairy, no gluten, and low animal protein diet is optimal.  The more veggies and fruits the better.  That seems to be the only consistent piece of information throughout all the diet and nutrition books written.  No one argues that one!

All in all, the first meeting went well.  Thank the good Lord!  I pray that God continues to guide us through this journey and all that comes with it.   I have complete trust that God will help us have the big family we dream of!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hobbies

I started making my own cleaning supplies the other day.  The vinegar and baking soda have come in very handy.  Especially the vinegar.  It's in a lot of the recipes.  I'm happy that I'll be able to phase out our use of commercial cleaning supplies.  They're costly and I've read that they're often unsafe.  I am not working a job right now, so I have had plenty of time to read and find hobbies like this one.  Hobbies keep me busy during the day.  And thank goodness for our local library.  It has provided me hours of free reading enjoyment and given me inspirations for all my hobbies.

About not working.  I quit my full time job over a year ago.  I thought my husband and I would become pregnant quickly and since I wasn't especially happy at my job and my husband was able to support us, I took the leap and gave my notice. I am much happier not working.  I enjoy sleeping in really late and doing things around the house. It is hard sometimes though, when I feel like I am not doing anything meaningful or worthwhile.  I think the reason I'm always searching for a new hobby is because I don't know what I should be doing with myself and my time.  I feel lost.  I don't know what I'm going to do if months keep passing by and we find we are still not pregnant.

A part of me feels like I don't have a right to be feeling sad about not being pregnant yet because we have only been waiting a year and a half. I'm sure there are people reading this who have been waiting a lot longer than that.  It's still hard though.  It's hard not knowing when or if ever.  It's hard not knowing what I should be doing in the meantime and what I will do if we never have a baby.  What will my life with my husband look like?  I try not to think that far ahead, because I always get sad.  My husband and I always talked about wanting a big family and I am starting to realize that may not happen. 

Insert hobbies again.  I think they help distract me from feeling sad and worrying about the future, the two things that come very easily for me.  I have attempted quilt making, sewing skirts and now home-made cleaning products.  My new thing is I want to learn how to make soap.  I'm interested in cold process soap making, not the melt and pour type.  So maybe I will become proficient at making soap.  I could sell it and it could also be a really enjoyable hobby.  I can also get into this whole blogging thing.  So far, so good.

What helps you while you wait upon the Lord? 

Friday, September 30, 2011

St. Therese

Tomorrow is the feast day of St. Therese.

Of course, her most famous work, Story of a Soul, is a remarkable book and one that if you haven't read yet, you really must.

Another favorite of mine is a book written in the form of a mini retreat about her spirituality: 'I believe in Love' by Jean C. J. d'Elbee.  A beautiful read.

Last but not least, 'The Love That Keeps Us Sane' by Marc Foley.  This book will quickly become a favorite.  It is small and easy to take with you.  Mine has come with me to many places.  Here is a little taste of the wisdom that is to be found in this little gem:

"Finally, minding one's own business helps preserve our sanity because it eliminates the envy and resentment that come from comparing our lot in life with others.
Celine once noticed that God was asking her "to renounce some legitimate pleasures which other sisters could enjoy in peace." She resented this. Why is God asking me to do this thing and not others? It's not fair! She told Therese of her complaint. Therese responded:
'As for me, I do not concern myself with what God might be asking of others; nor do I assume that I store up greater merit when I'm obliged to sacrifice more than other souls in his service. Whatever He asks of me always makes me happy.'" (pg. 50)

How hard this is for me.  It is so easy to compare our lot in life with that of others, yet, this is not the Little Way.  The Little Way is humble and steady and utterly simple.  Basically it is everything I am not.  Just last night I struggled with comparing my lot in life to an engaged couple we know.  I remembered how naive I was to think my husband and I would become pregnant soon after we married.  Perhaps the engaged couple we know feels the same way.  And what if they are right?  What if they do become pregnant right away?  How happy they will be!  These thoughts quickly led to a desire to pity myself for a while.  It wouldn't be fair if they can easily become pregnant.  It isn't fair that we have to wait.  They should have to wait, too.  And on and on I go.

Obviously, I have a lot to learn from St. Therese.  This little book is a gold mine of insight and wisdom.  "Whatever He asks of me always makes me happy."  Just a minute ago, my computer froze.  I laughed as I thought I will lose this post I'm working on.  And that this ought to make me happy if it's what He asks of me, right?  Whatever He asks.  When I really think about that, and if I were to be able to really apply that principle to my life, I imagine I would be so peaceful and free.  I would ride the waves of life, full of uncertainty and change with such ease and grace.  To trust with such surrender and simplicity.  How beautiful that is!

St. Therese, thank you for showing us your little, simple way to holiness.  This way kept you sane.  Teach us to not concern ourselves with what God may be asking of others.  Help us to keep our eyes fixed on Him, for our happiness lies in doing His will.  St. Therese, pray for us.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Welcome

Welcome to my blog!  I have been reading blogs on infertility for a while now and really want to be part of the community and prayerful support that I have seen.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year and we recently made an initial consultation with a NaPro doctor in our area.  I'm looking forward to it.  The reviews on this doctor are amazing and I am so ready for some HOPE in this area of my life.  I also want clarity.  And relief from painful periods would be amazing.  Thank you God for leading me!