Merry Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Christ is born!!!  

May God bless you all!

More on breastfeeding

Thanks for the encouragement, ladies.  The LC wants me to pump 8 times a day and I just started to take a supplement, More Milk Special Blend from W.hole Foods, per recommendation.  She thinks G is used to an instant reward with the bottle and that's why she's getting frustrated at the breast.  My nipples are kind of flat, so we'd been using a shield to draw them out, and pumping is helping too. The LC wants me to continue to try to put her to the breast but not if it's making both her and me too upset.

So far, putting her to the breast is not going well.  On top of that, I couldn't make myself get up last night to pump. I really feel like I'm losing the desire to breastfeed.  Sometimes I feel like my difficulty with breastfeeding is hurting my pride.  I guess that's not a bad thing, though.  I need to learn more humilty.  It's just that I've always prefered the natural way to anything.  And especially with my baby.  Having to give her formula has been a struggle, and I feel like I'm not living up to my desire to give her a "natural lifestyle", if that makes any sense.   Ugh.  Plus, pumping so often is so tiring, especially when I have no idea if what I'm doing is even going to help/work.  I know breastfeeding would be equally as tiring, but at least then I'd feel like I was moving towards my goal, not away from it, with the formula.  We have been able to give her my pumped milk in a bottle though, so I am grateful for that.

Yesterday my aunt came over and was sharing with me her stories of breastfeeding.  She has six kids and breastfeeding was a struggle with them all.  I couldn't believe it!  She said she always felt like she didn't have enough milk and that it was always difficult to breastfeed, getting infections and so on.  The she told me something kind of random.  She said that St. Therese's mother was unable to breastfeed St. Therese.  She had to send Therese to a wet nurse for the first couple years of her life.  I never knew that.  I love St. Therese and so hearing that story made me feel better.  Maybe I'm not such a failure after all.

Speaking of St. Therese, I had just been thinking of her the night before when I was up pumping.  I was feeling so tired doing either the midnight or the 3am pump, and my mind kind of wandered to something I read before of Therese's life.  When she was in the convent, she was unable to practice the physical mortifications that the other nuns in her convent were doing.  She would get sick when she would do them, and finally recognized that the physical mortifications was not God's will for her.  And so, to everyone else, she appeared to not be anything special, I mean, she wasn't even doing the outward signs of holiness that the other nuns were practicing, so how holy could she really be in other's eyes?  But God saw her heart and had a different path to holiness for Therese.  And then I thought about how Sr. Genevieve told Therese to "serve God with peace and joy, for our God is a God of peace and love".  Then she knew that her vocation was to love, and to serve God not through physical mortifications but through small acts of great love!  All of this seemed to fit to my life right now.  I feel like I hold breastfeeding up as the best, the measure of good mothering, and even the holier thing I could be doing.  With all the frustration and difficulty I feel like I'm having, I wondered maybe this isn't God's path for me.  I feel peace giving a bottle, maybe that is my path.  Maybe some of my extended family will judge me, but people judged Therese too, so maybe it's not really that bad.

And maybe all of this won't even matter in a couple weeks.  Maybe G will get the hang of it and maybe I'll become more confident and comfortable.  My breast milk may increase and maybe there won't be any trouble in a few more weeks.  I guess I just don't know if I have it in me to continue.  And sometimes that makes me feel like a lazy failure.  On a good day, I feel like maybe this isn't right for me and I don't need to be ashamed or feel guilty.  My daughter is eating and that's all that's important.  I don't know how good it is for her to have a stressed out mommy who is pushing and pushing for breastfeeding.  Right now I haven't needed to go back onto my anti-anxiety meds that I stopped at the third trimester, and I really don't want to have to start them again over this.  Plus, I probably wouldn't be able to breastfeed while taking a medication anyway. My midwife didn't see a problem with breastfeeding while on a low dose of med, but my doctor does not recommend it.

I'm realizing this post is so jumbled!  Thanks for reading this far, and hopefully it wasn't too hard to follow my thoughts.  Thank you ladies for your encouragement and support.  I'm not giving up pumping completely, I may just drop the late night pump sessions.  And maybe I will just bottle feed the breast milk.  I feel kind of sad though - will G and I not bond if I give up on her feeding at the breast?  I just want the very best for her, but I also recognize that I need to do whats best for me too, because my mood and emotional state directly affect her in a big way, too.  Well, I'm going to post this now, I don't know how much time I have before the wee one wakes up.  Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for the encouragement and reminding me I'm not a failure.  You guys are great!  Thanks for reading and for your help and prayers.

Needing help

Breastfeeding is not going well.  I am currently pumping as I write this, thanks to a hands free pumping bra.  G doesn't do well at the breast, and I believe it's due to our supplementing her early on.  I feel like a failure.  I hate having her cry and then work herself up to a full blow panic cry when she's at the breast.  We've been having some luck with using a nipple shield, but it's so cumbersome and she always manages to flip it off, which frustrates me.  So far, I've met with a lactation consultant, been to two LLL meetings, had numerous talks with people who all have various opinions of what I should be doing to make it work.  And it's so. frustrating.  Starting last night at midnight, I've been trying to pump every three hours.  Between that and feeding G a bottle, I didn't get much sleep at all.  I hate to complain, but I don't know what to do.  Should I quit?  I feel so at peace with just giving her the bottle, but only because it's peaceful doing it, and she actually eats.  Otherwise, I would want to do breastfeeding because it's definitely healthier and overall better for her.  

Please say prayers for me.  Should I keep pressing on?  

She is here!

So............as I write this, my daughter is sleeping in our house, in her little pack n play!  Yes, that's right, my baby is here!!!

She has already changed so much in the past week.  I need to get some more recent photos of her up, because these above are all from the hospital, as I'm sure you can tell.  

Wow.  We are enjoying our little bundle so much!  Most of the time, she is so super relaxed.  She will sleep with her arms up by her head and our pediatrician said that's a sign of a content baby.  Praise God.  She is healthy, strong, has a great set of lungs - ha! and is just so so so cute.  I know I'm her mother, of course I will say that!  But truly, she is like a little doll.

It's been a bit of a bumpy road with breastfeeding, though.  I don't think my milk has fully come in and so we've been supplementing with formula because she lost some weight after the birth.  It's been a real adjustment hormone-wise, too. I've found myself crying for no real reasons.  So many things about the past week are in my heart and on my mind, they are sentimental things and I get emotional just thinking about them.  For example, the way my husband loves our daughter is just mind. blowing.  I feel like I am falling more and more in a deeper love for him when I see how he just adores little G.  I'm tearing up right now!  And more along those lines.  I had as natural of a birth as possible and if it weren't for my husband coaching me through each contraction, I would have never been able to do it.  My labor was long and sloooow.  I had a pushing phase of around 5.5 hours, with a total labor time (counting when I needed to work and concentrate through consistent contractions, labor from start to end (48?) hours.  Sunday night at 9pm until tuesday 5pm!.  The contractions during pushing phase were so far apart -about 6-7 min. apart ,  that I wasn't making much progress pushing her out.  I was given PIT towards the end and that helped a lot, and finally she was born.  I also had an episiotomy, but I did not care at that point!  I will write about the birth in more detail, but that is the main overview!

Thank you so much for your prayers.  To my prayer buddy, thank you!  Your prayers for my safe and healthy, natural delivery were very much appreciated!  Thank you for your continued prayers for our little family.  Please pray I can have breastfeeding success!  

Thank you, God, and thank you to all my readers for your prayers!  Sweet G is here in major part due to your prayers, I have no doubt about it!  More pictures to follow, and you'll see what I mean about how she has already changed - in only one week!  I can't believe pregnancy and labor/delivery is over.  This may sound weird, but it makes me sad to think they are over.  So many supportive people from my husband to my midwife made this possible and I just get so sentimental thinking about it all. I have to tell myself that nothing has ended, but that it is all just beginning!  

30 Days of Thanksgiving (part 1)

It's hard to believe the month of November and the 30 days of Thanksgiving is almost over.  I've thoroughly enjoyed reading the daily updates complete with pictures from those who've been participating in the 30 days of Thanksgiving!  There is nothing more contagious than a joyful, thankful heart.

Here is my list for the 30 Days of Thanksgiving:

1. The snow that's gently falling outside today.  It is so beautiful and peaceful!

2. My husband.  I'm thankful he chose to work from home today.  It's so nice having him available, even if it's just to share a funny comment or two.  I'm thankful that he is able to get a lot more work done by being away from his office.  He has almost zero distractions while at home, except from me of course!

3. Our wood stove, humming along and heating away.  So far this season, we have yet to use our electric heat!  I just love the coziness of a wood stove, there's nothing else quite like it.

4. The strand of colored lights that I put over our mantle.  At night, these lights go on, and oh how I love to look at them!  Christmas is less than a month away!

5. All you blogging ladies.  Your prayers, encouragement, understanding and your simple presence in my life.  Thank you for welcoming me into this wonderfully prayerful community!  I don't know if I would be where I am right now if I hadn't stumbled across this little corner of the internet.

6. My Grandma in heaven.  Thank you for always praying for us.  I have so many wonderful memories of you and am so thankful for the holy and loving life you led.

7. The sweet kicks of my baby.  Who am I to be so blessed to be a mother?  Words simply cannot express the wonderment and awe I have at being pregnant.  Me.  A mother.  A mother to my daughter. Tears fill my eyes just thinking about it all.

8.  Confession.  Thank you Jesus, for the sacrament of Confession!  I always have to write my sins on a piece of paper so I am not worried that I left anything out.  There's nothing like tossing that sheet of paper into our wood stove after returning home from Confession.  Thank you, Jesus, for giving us all so many ways to grow closer to you and to remain in the state of grace.

9. Humidifiers in the winter.  When you live in New England, and more especially, when you own a wood stove, you really cannot live without these water misting gems.  

10. My lovely home.  Our house is a cape.  It's not huge, but it's cozy and beautiful.  We bought when the interest rates were super low (maybe they still are?) and if it weren't for that, we may still be renting.  The low interest rate allowed us to afford to sign up for a mortgage.  God and St. Joseph's hand were in it through the whole process.  I really cannot think up or picture a better house than the one we have!

11. My Mom.  She just emailed me to tell me she has the pack n' play that she bought for baby bear in her car and she'll be bringing it over tonight!  She said, "I think it'll be great for you! (Tell baby bear she's going to like it!)" hehe  I am so blessed to have a Mom who is so loving, generous and oh so excited to be a Grandma.

12. Water.  This is something I think I take for granted way too often.  I have this mega huge water jug, and by mega huge, I mean 64 oz.. huge! And I have it with me almost all the time.  I started drinking lots of water when I found out I was pregnant and I haven't stopped since.  This jug of mine makes drinking lots of water really easy.  I'm guess I'm really thankful for both water and my water jug. :)

13. My extended family.  I come from a small immediate family, but I have a very large extended family.  I have a few cousins my age who are like sisters to me and we have been best friends our whole lives.  I often take this for granted and sometimes I think, doesn't everyone have cousins they're close with?  Then I remind myself to be thankful for my wonderful, faith-filled extended family.

14. Gluten-free and dairy-free foods.  I have no proof of this, but I feel inwardly convinced that the gluten-free and dairy-free diet I have been on has helped make it possible for me to conceive.

15. Along those lines, I am thankful for the Gi.anna C.enter in N.YC.  About a year ago, I had my first appointment there and would never want to go anywhere else.  The staff is caring, helpful, and prompt.  And the doctor there is very knowledgeable, respectful, understanding and a real inspiration for hope.  She even called me right back on a Saturday in order to set up an immediate blood draw for me when I discovered a positive pregnancy test.  At the same time she called in a script for oral progesterone, just in case, and I had that in my hands the same day.  Then, she monitored my progesterone throughout the first and most of the second trimester and made the whole process so easy for me.  I cannot thank her and her team enough!

16. My comfy robe.  I had been searching for a zip-up robe for a while, and S.ears came to my rescue!  A couple weeks ago we purchased a lovely green robe and I have been basking in it's comfort ever since.  I love to throw it on over whatever I'm wearing, it's lightweight but warm enough for winter.  Sometimes I feel frumpy in it, but my husband has assured me that it's okay that I wear it often!  Thank goodness for comfy robes and husbands who like them!

Stay tuned for the second half of 30 Days of Thanksgiving!

T-Day and T-Day Weekend!

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!  I hope everyone had a wonderful day filled with loving family and friends and good food. :)  We had friends over for an early Thanksgiving dinner and then we went to my parent's house for the remainder of the day.  It was nice having our friends come over, it encouraged us to clean the house more than we would have and we (by "we" I mean, my husband, ha!) were able to cook a full Thanksgiving meal and now leftovers fill our fridge.  My husband is happy, he loves leftover turkey.  We were successful in having a gluten and dairy free meal, too.  Basically, we just substituted butter for Earth Balance Buttery Spread, and for the stuffing, we used brown rice bread and made a nice homemade version of Stove Top Stuffing.  It was really good!  We had pumpkin pie made with almond milk and the best chocolate pudding ever - I still need to get the recipe from my friend.  I think she used Carob powder (which is a naturally sweet, naturally non-caffeinated cocoa powder, dairy free chocolate chips, corn starch, vanilla and almond milk.  It was so. good.  Everything was a success, but man was I exhausted!  Just having people over tires me out.  I don't mind going to my parents house, but for some reason, I'm feel way overwhelmed when we have company.  I keep telling myself, from here on out until after baby arrives, I need to say no to company.  I don't want to be rude, but I need to conserve my energy and rest as much as I can when I'm not eating or doing exercises.  I have no idea how long my labor will be, or when I'm going to be IN labor, so I want to be well rested at all times.
Today, my husband and I plan to make gingerbread cookies.  I'll be able to help and relax when I need to, so I'm not worried about getting too tired.  I'm excited.  I love the smell and of course the taste of homemade gingerbread cookies!
I have been noticing more frequent and obvious braxton hicks contractions.  It helps when I eat something, but this morning I noticed that they were still coming even after I had eaten.  I guess they will continue to come and only get stronger, more frequent, and closer together as the days go by.  This coming week I will be 39 weeks, so baby could come any day now!
We have been strongly considering the name Gianna for our little one.  It's funny because at first, I really really liked it, and my husband had reservations, and now it's switched.  My husband is 100% on board with the name and even said, "if we could tell the nurse her name now, I would want to tell her Gianna" and then silly old me over here is all like, but wait, what about Maria or what about Mary?  For some reason I've always felt unsure when my husband is super sure.  Oh well.  Oh, and that reminds me.  The name Emma has lost it's charm for my husband, so we've moved on from that one.
Well, that's pretty much all for now.  Oh, I should really get a belly shot up here before baby takes up her new residence outside of me!  I think I'll ask my husband to do that today.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend!  God bless!

Thankful

I think it's been nearly a month since my last post.  I've enjoyed reading the 30 days of thankfulness that have been on a few of your blogs.  Thank you so much for your positive posts, I find myself drawn to them and want to read more!  That's when I realized, wow, maybe I should write on my own blog for a change! So, here goes. 

I am officially considered full term this week and couldn't be more happy. Thank you, sweet Jesus! I have a midwife appointment today and our last childbirth class (YAY!). My husband and I are both so ready to be finished with the classes, so we'll be very happy after the last class tonight.  

Right now, I'm sitting on our living room floor while our wood stove warms the room.  Remember that old thing from a year ago?  I think I probably wrote about it in every post of mine until Spring.  :)  Well, it's back in business and working like a charm.  In fact, friends of ours are looking into buying a wood stove insert for their own home, they like ours so much.  We live in the east coast, and with last year's snow storm in October causing power outages for a week or more, and then this year, with Sandy hitting NY, NJ and CT pretty badly, we are so very thankful that we can always depend on having heat no matter what happens with the electricity.  So if you had any question about how I feel towards our wood stove, you can rest assured, I really still LOVE IT!

Speaking of things that are warm, last night, I made homemade chicken vegetable soup.  My Grandma had a really simple recipe of just chicken, water, celery, carrots, onion and salt.  It's delicious.  The key, in my opinion, is to by organic carrots and celery.  Then you can leave the skins of the carrots on and add the leaves of the celery to the pot.  You really only need to scrub the veggies before you cut them, because they are organic.  Oh yeah, and use sea salt, it tastes better and is better for you than table salt.

I got my haircut the other day.  I'm really happy I did, because I don't know how long it will be until I can get it cut again, after sweet one arrives.  The only downer is that now it's kinda short and falls out of my elastic band when I try to put it up.  So I'm using bobby pins for my bangs and stuff like that.  Oh well.  I'm happy that he cut most of my old highlight out, so now my hair is soft and bouncy because the old processed, highlighted areas are gone.  That's great news, but I find myself thinking about highlighting again in the Spring.  My heart says "Yes, do it!!" but my head says "No! Be strong and resist the highlights!" :)  We shall see which wins out.

Oh my, I can't believe our baby bear will be here so soon.  We are as ready as we will ever be, I guess.  One thing that has changed many times is the name.  Oh, the name.  Please say a prayer I will find peace about a name, any name!!  Well, not ANY name.  You know what I mean.  I think I'll need to meet her first and then I'll have peace about her name.  I'm still open to suggestions though, so if you've got them, I want them! :)

Needing God's Grace

I've heard that you never stop learning about the person you're married to, and that you can always improve the way you relate, communicate and how you love them.  Last night I learned a lot about myself, too.  

I have a really hard time when my husband expresses his feelings.  Obviously, his happy feelings are no problem for me, but when he's sad, hurt or upset by something (especially something I've done), it's like all my reason flies out the window and I become a blubbering mess.  I think his feelings scare me.  I feel like maybe he is going to stop loving me or maybe it's true and I'm a terrible wife.  If he's hurt or sad because of something I've done, I've noticed I go from really scared to angry in like .2 seconds.  This of course, makes him feel worse, because now I'm angry at him for his feelings.  He then feels "trapped".  It's a weird chain of events, but I know I'm the one who needs to work on improving how I relate.

I generally have a pretty strong personality.  My husband is really easy going and not much bothers him.  He is so patient with me and almost never loses his cool.  It seems like I'm the always the one who "brews" the arguments and my poor husband takes it all in stride.  I am truly blessed to be his wife and I know he feels blessed to be married to me, too, but I am so far from perfect.  Last night, and on other occasions, I have felt like I need to change and grow.  We'll soon be welcoming our first born into our home and our world, and it occurred to me that I absolutely cannot prevent my child from sharing her feelings, scary as they may be to me or not.  I don't ever want my behavior to scare or make someone feel trapped.  And here was my husband, being a mirror to me of who I am.  The reflection I saw told me that I need growth, I need to change, and I need God's grace.

We had a wonderful talk, and my husband was clear with me that he feels like he can't tell me for example if he's feeling hurt by me or sad if he feels like he's failed me in some way.  He told me when he feels like he can't communicate those feelings to me, it makes him feel trapped and feeling trapped is much worse for him than feeling hurt or sad.  Something finally clicked in me and I realized that his initial feelings scare me, but that I need to let him communicate them because he's human and his feelings are valid.  Getting mad at his feelings isn't really my honest reaction anyway, so I need to stop showing anger.  I loved our talk.  We both understand each other better now and hopefully things will go better next time.  We don't have a perfect marriage by any means, but honestly, who does?  One thing I think we both have is the desire to learn, to grow and to improve ourselves.  

I told God last night that I want Him to refine me.  I want Him to make me the kind of wife that is prefect for my husband and the kind of mother that is perfect for my children.  As I write that, I wonder, gosh is that a tall order, so much to ask God for!  But doesn't He call us all to perfection like His Heavenly father is perfect?  I know it's through my vocation that I will become holy, and I ultimately want to be a saint.  So, that's where I am right now.  Out with my old ways of communicating with my husband when he is hurt, sad or disappointed in himself.  In with my new way of relating.  God, give me the graces to listen without fear or anger to my husband's emotions.  Let me be a balm to his soul and let me always remind him that no matter what, I love him and am so blessed to be his wife.

Fatigue and Prayers for a friend

I've been feeling fatigue lately and it's taken some getting used to.  I think ever since I've stopped the anxiety med I've noticed more fatigue.  Maybe that's just a coincidence?  I don't know.  I have been trying to do the exercises recommended from our birth class, and honestly, if I do anything more (load of laundry, dishes, cooking) I'm pretty much beat and need to rest for the remainder of the day.  Oh, and I sleep in pretty late each morning, so you'd think I'm getting enough sleep - unless the sleep I'm getting throughout the night isn't as restful as it used to be.  Maybe I need an iron supplement.  Is this fatigue normal for the third trimester?  My husband wants me to try to do less around the house (what a good man!) but it's so hard for me.  I feel the need to do this and get that done and I'm making LISTS all. the. time.  My husband comes home to a list of stuff that is crucial (in my mind at least) to get done tonight.  So last night he took out the air conditioner in our bedroom, and did a few other things that had been on my brain and now on my list -ha!  Thank God for my patient and understanding husband, he actually told me that he is less tired after he comes home from work when he does things that are active, so he doesn't mind the list.  He told me that he's like a Labrador Retriever and needs things to keep him busy.  I thought that was the cutest thing ever and it made me feel so much better for giving him stuff to do.  Hehe I love my Lab.
 
I am in my eighth month now.  All I can say is, praise God!  I have so much joy in my heart at the thought of meeting our little one in about two months.  I still have moments of worry and fear that come, but they generally don't persist after I talk about them to my husband or write about them here.  Praise God for my loving husband and for this wonderful faith-filled community.  Our little corner of the internet is so special.  I just loved seeing so many posts yesterday about St. Therese on her feast day. God and the saints are truly with us all and that is something so very very special.  I'm so thankful I started my own blog just about one year ago.  I was inspired by this wonderful blog to seek napro treatment and start my own blog.  Speaking of this blogger, please pray for her and her family now - your prayers will be most appreciated!!  Have a great week everyone, God bless!

Normal Results, Names and more

Thank you for your prayers for me as I waited for the results of my glucose test.  The results, thank the Lord, were normal!  You know, at my birth class, the two other couples were talking about how they were either told to fast prior to the ONE hour test or at least to avoid fruit and maybe have something like an egg for breakfast prior to the test.  I did none of that.  In fact, I was kind of caught off guard when I was handed the sugary drink for the first time, but figured it'd all be fine.  Before my appointment, I had fruit and other random snacks, like chips and salsa, almonds, water...I think I just forgot or didn't think it'd be a big deal if I ate.  But now I'm wondering if that's what caused me to fail the first test.  Oh well, it's over now, I passed the three hour long test and am feeling so much relief.  I mean, my diet has been pretty restrictive already, and to think I would have to alter it even more, ugh.  Don't get me wrong, I totally would have done it, but it's just a relief to know that the way I've been eating hasn't been adversely effecting the little one.

Speaking of "the little one", names have been on our brain for a while now and I have been the one tossing and turning them in my head.  My husband is pretty set on one name, and it is super popular right now.  It starts with an EM and end with a MA.  hehe, it's Emma.  I like the name but am worried will it be too popular?  I do like it a lot still, but find myself having reservations at times.  Her name would be Emma Marie if we chose that.  I also like, Lucia, Maria, Miriam, Genevieve, Josephine (only for middle name, like Maria or Miriam Josephine), Mary Rose, Therese or Theresa...so many beautiful girl names and this is what makes it so difficult!  If you have any ideas, likes, suggestions, please feel free to comment.

Oh, and an update on my anxiety medicine.  I'm officially off it and have been feeling good!  Praise the Lord!!  I have my moments, but life is so different now than it was when I started taking it, so the stability I have now has made a world of difference.  Please say a prayer I don't need to go back on after I deliver.  I know some people think it's not that bad while breastfeeding, but I'd really prefer not to be taking anything because I feel strongly that it does enter the bloodstream, breast milk and so on and so forth...

Well, that's all for now.  I hope you're all doing well.  I am praying God's peace and love comfort you today, especially those who are in most need of my prayers in this blogging community.

Update

We have been so busy over here!  I've been making time to read everyone's blogs, but posting my own has taken the back seat for over a month now.

I am officially in my third trimester!  I'm still feeling good and cannot complain.  God has blessed us so much and we are so incredibly thankful.  Our sweet one has been growing along just fine, with my belly measuring 28 cm at my last appointment.  Her heart beat is "perfect" according to our midwife.  Thanks be to God!

We switched practices to a midwife and I have been feeling so much more at peace about everything.  We are taking birth classes and hope to have a natural birth, at a hospital, and wanted the assistance of a midwife over my previous OB doctor.  Birth classes are going well, and my appointments with the midwife have been great so far.

Today, though, I had to do the three hour glucose test because my numbers were a little high on the first test.  I fasted from midnight on, and went in to get my blood taken early this morning.  Then came that sickly sweet drink.  They taste just like those freeze pops in liquid form, way too much sugar!  My little one was moving around and around after that drink and I couldn't wait for it to phase out of my system.  She must have gotten quite the little sugar high!  I wasn't too happy that I needed to do that test again.  But whatever it takes to make sure baby and I are healthy is top priority.  I hope and pray I pass the three hour test.  Please say a quick prayer for this intention!

My baby shower was last weekend.  It was great seeing so many of my family members and dear friends, there was great food, a fun game and lots of laughs.  Oh, and so many presents.  And pink!  It was like there had been a pink explosion after all the gifts were opened.  We are so blessed with so many loving people in our lives, and my baby shower reminded me of that fact.

I've been successfully weaning off my anti-anxiety medicine.  I'm now down to the smallest, wee-little bit and plan soon to go every other day and then to stop completely.  It's scary thinking about it sometimes, but I've been doing so well these past few months, I just know I can do this.  It helps knowing that the current dose I'm on now is so small that it's probably not even doing anything (in terms of helping any anxiety I may be having) that when I finally stop completely I may not feel any different at all.

I do catch myself thinking a bit longer on something that I would usually be able to dismiss really quickly, and I'm pretty sure that could be my worry side kicking in again.  For example, someone at the party commented that they just want baby girl to get here (implied in this is that this person is worried about the last weeks ahead and the delivery-will something go wrong?) I caught that implied worry tone right away and noticed, it had never occurred to me that something could go wrong with baby girl from here on out.  I mean, I'm almost 29 weeks!  But then I thought, gosh, that's a little overly confident, and maybe I'm taking for granted that things have been going well so far?  These and similar thoughts kept coming and I was soon worried that something horrible would happen to baby girl.  As I was washing all the baby clothes we had just received from my shower, I was praying, please let me meet my baby girl and please give her a healthy, happy and long life!  Wow, that worried thought just slipped it's way into my brain and now I'm consciously trying to combat it.  Jesus, I trust in you!  It helps talking about my anxious thought to my husband, and we can easily recognize it for what it is, anxiety, and then I try to move forward with trust and hope.  Being grateful has been a huge help in fighting anxiety.  I have SO much to be grateful for.  This little one kicking inside of me right now is just one of the many blessings I have in my life to be forever grateful for.  She's one of the biggest blessings in my life, and the only response to her life is my gratitude.  There's just no room for worry or anxiety anymore, because gratitude has taken up all the room in my heart!!  Thank you so much, dear Jesus.

Please continue to pray for my husband and I and our little sweet bear.  I am so thankful for this wonderful community of prayerful women.  Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.  God bless!!

Stress

I've been stressing these past couple days.  I don't think I've mentioned this here before, but I have been / still am taking a medication for anxiety.  Over the past few months I've been slowly weaning myself off of it.  Right now I'm taking a low 25 mg dose.  I just went down to that dose yesterday, and wouldn't you know that something so stressful for me happens on that same day?  I said to myself, this is not the day for this news to be coming to me!  Oh well.  Life goes on, I guess, even when we think there will be nothing upsetting or anxiety producing coming.

First, I'll start by saying that everything with baby is just fine.  Thanks be to God.  This stressful event has nothing to do with baby, actually.  And before I get into the stress talk, I'll just mention some good news we've had.  My prog. was 81 on Monday, and we've officially been done with injections for a few weeks now and my doc. said they are going to stop monitoring me!  She said if I notice any spotting or cramping, to call them, but otherwise I am good to go.  I was thrilled!  We also started looking into a birthing method and have found a local teacher.  We start classes next week and will be training in the Brad.ley Method.  We've also been seeking out a midwife, as I've been feeling more and more drawn to having that extra support and presence during labor.  I have a few meetings with different midwives next week.  It's all a little stressful, and I'm sure doesn't help with the big stress that came yesterday (will get to that shortly) but I figure, I better switch now if I prefer a midwife over a doctor.

On to the big stress of yesterday.  It all started with a call from my friend who relayed some really rather personal information about one of my relatives (with whom I do not have a good relationship with).  She got this information through. . . you guessed it, fac.ebook!  Did I tell you before how much I dislike that site?  Ugh.  Anyway, first some background info on this relative of mine.  A few months back, when I told her I was expecting, she was the only one who was not excited for me.  Her whole tone was of concern and worry over why I was telling people so soon (umm...possibly because we were so excited and had been waiting to share wonderful news like this?)  We honestly felt no desire to wait and see, before we told family and friends our joyful news.  So this relative was really shocking me with her reactions, I couldn't believe I had to basically repeat over and over again that we were so excited and happy to be expecting and we had so much hope for our little one!  It wasn't going well.  She was saying things to me like, "well, m, no matter what, you'll always be a mother"  I'm thinking - excuse me?  Are you trying to tell me that I'm going to miscarry?  I was so hurt.  God forbid we miscarry, why does she have to bring that up when I'm sharing wonderful news now.  Hurt feelings were growing and growing inside of me, the longer we talked, the harder it got.  Then, she asked if I was seeing a doctor.  I know she was just concerned for us, but I'm an adult, I can take care of myself, and quite frankly, did not want to tell her anything about us going to a N.apro doctor because she's the kind of person who would just give tons and tons of unwanted advice.  She has two kids, you see, so she knows everything!!!  Sorry, I'm being sarcastic there.  There really isn't anyone who quite gets under my skin as this relative of mine.  So, you get the point.  The phone call was horrible, and the emails and texts from her that came pouring in after she knew that 1. we were indeed seeing a doctor, and 2. the doctor is an excellent one.  So I was getting emails about what the doctor was telling me, if I was taking progesterone, and all this personal stuff, that quite frankly, I share freely on here, but I did NOT want to ever share with her.  So I took control and I told her that her emails were really upsetting me and to please stop contacting me.  Done.  This person and I have always been at odds, and I finally, finally stuck up for myself.  I put up boundaries where there were none before, and since then I have been so free.

Fast forward to yesterday.  My friend tells me that this same annoying relative of mine (above) shared with her and some others, that she had miscarried a few months ago.  As it turns out, she could have miscarried a couple weeks after I stopped all communication between us.  She was either due the same month as I am or the following month.  My friend told me partly in effort to maybe help me understand why this relative of mine could have been so rude to me.  But it doesn't make sense to me.  If she were expecting when I told her I was, why wouldn't she tell me?  I guess that's obvious, because she doesn't tell people right away.  But, still, it all doesn't make sense to me.  I hate, hate, hate thinking this, but my first thought when I heard the news was - is that true?  She was really expecting around that same time as me and we were due around the same time?  I don't think anyone would lie about something like that.  But you have to understand, there has been such a rough history between this person and I.  But still, I don't think it is a lie.  So now I feel terrible.  I feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting myself.  Shouldn't I have given her the info she wanted about my doctor / charting?  Shouldn't I have told her that yes, I was taking progesterone?  Could I have helped her pregnancy?  These and so many other guilt-filled thoughts have been stressing me out to the max. I keep telling myself that I did nothing wrong.  She never told me anything about herself expecting - so how was I to know?  She was just bugging me so much and I felt I needed to put major distance between us.  Who knew that only a month later she would miscarry.

I'm frustrated because I feel like she is never truly happy for me.  I feel terrible thinking that she now won't be able to be happy for me because of her loss.  I guess it's totally wrong of my to be dependent on her happy feelings for me.  But I have been waiting for this joyful time in my life and now I feel like it's more sad than joyful.  After all, it's going to remind her of her loss.  It isn't my fault at all, but my baby will most likely make her really sad.  And that thought just makes me super, super hurt.

This post has gotten way too long.  I better end it here.  I think I need prayers to feel sympathy for this person.  Am I taking this all too personally?  Am I only thinking of myself here?  It's just been hard learning of this news.  Please say a prayer for me and offer any thoughts and advice that come to mind.  I hope I don't sound like a mean, selfish person with all of this.  Your prayers and comments are greatly appreciated!

Results

We had good news today! The ultrasound revealed no structral problems with baby and the cysts on the brain have resolved! In othewords, they are not there anymore. Yay! Praise the Lord. The calcium spot on the baby's heart is still there but the doc said that the risk of having an amnio ddone is greater than the risk of the calium spot on her heart. We feel much better after this news. Baby is about 12oz. And doing just fine. Thank you so much for your prayers! We are so blessed to have so many people praying for our little one!! Thank you! Sorry if this is full of typos i'm typing on husbands phone. I couldn't wait to share this news! :)

Thank you

I've been meaning to write a thank you post for a while now.  God's grace has been with me these past few days and I know it's because of all your prayers.  We have our second ultrasound in two days and I'm feeling okay about everything.  I really feel like everything is going to be alright with our baby.  What a blessing it is to not worry!!  God is in control and I trust in Him!

In other news, I was told I could stop my progesterone last week.  I had a blood test this morning just to confirm that I don't need to go on a lower dose.  It feels weird not having had a shot last Thursday, the muscle in my back side is thankful!!  Even if I need to continue the 100mg twice a week, that's fine.  But it sounds like I may not need any at all or at least a smaller dose may be all I require.  That was a nice piece of good news last week.  I'm thankful my body is producing enough progesterone now and pray it continues. 

Please continue to keep me and baby in your prayers.  I will update as soon as I can after my second ultrasound!

Prayers needed for our next Ultrasound

My next ultrasound is already scheduled.  It's set for July 18th at 1:45 at the hospital where I plan to give birth.  I'm asking for prayers from all my readers that the two findings have gone away.  The technical terms for the two markers are: 
-choroid plexus cyst -- "a pocket of fluid on the brain that is not problematic in itself but may be a marker for Trisomy 18".

And

-echogenic intracardiac focus -- these are calcium deposits found on the heart.  This also isn't problematic in itself but may be a marker for Trisomy 21.

 

My doctor told us that she would "eat her shoe" if our baby had Trisomy 18.  Baby doesn't have any other physical signs of Trisomy 18, such as clubbed feet or shorter limbs.  And our baby is not smaller than expected.  In fact, she is measuring about a week further along than our original due date.  This was a happy surpise for my husband and I.  For some reason, I always pictured our baby being on the small side because I was always (and still am) petite myself. 

 

I don't really know what to think, though I'm trying to remain positive. 

 

Yesterday we had a pool party at my parent's house with some of my close friends.  It was really nice and helped me to relax and destress.  I have been feeling less anxious as time goes by, but I know I am in need of your prayers.  Please pray for me to trust Jesus with my whole heart.  Please also pray that we have wonderful news at our next ultrasound.  Thank you so much!!!!

 

PS. I am praying the Memorare each day up until my ultrasound.  Please consider praying it with me!

 

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.

Holding onto Faith

Thanks for your kind comments and prayers.  I have been feeling them already and know that there is nothing I need to fear. 
This morning I called the doctor on call and it happened to by my doctor.  I told her that I woke up during the night with anxiety and heartburn and she asked if the anxiety had something to do with the ultrasound findings and I started crying.  How I can cry on the phone to someone I barely know is beyond me, but oh well. 
She reasurred me that both the signs will most likely go away in a few weeks.  I made it clear to her again that we'll be keeping the baby no matter what and she said that the second ultrasound will just be a second set of eyes looking closer, checking to see that there is nothing wrong with the heart - so we can prepare, if say, there needs to be a specialist at the delivery or something.  So I agreed that I'm fine with doing the second ultasound if that's what we are looking into.
I feel like I'm going to need to be very clear about what is acceptable in terms of testing and everything.  It's hard feeling like I have to defend why we won't do an amnioscentisis.  It's hard telling your own doctor that you're keeping your baby no matter what.  Seriously?  How about life is precious no matter what? 
Maybe I will show my doctor that there are people out there who value life no matter what.
Thanks for your continued prayers, I appreciate them so much!

Down Syndrome?

Todays ultrasound has brought up so many emotions.  We found out we're having a girl (see my last post)!! We also found out that our baby has two soft markers for down syndrome. 

I've been happy, really happy, and I've also cried a few times today.  I couldn't believe it was me sitting with my doctor and my husband discussing the likelihood of our baby being born with down syndrome.  It was surreal.  Obviously we are keeping our sweet baby no matter what, and I was making that known to the doctor - again, something I never pictured myself having to do - and she was supportive of us not doing further testing since it won't change anything about our decision.  I'm glad she was supportive, but just that thought that we have a "choice" in some kind of "decision" is super upsetting to me.  Our baby is alive and growing, what the heck kind of a "choice" is there except to continue prenatal care and deliver my baby into this world???  I don't care what is wrong with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Gosh, I really wish our doctor hadn't even told us anything.  What does it profit us to know that there could be something wrong with the baby, unless of course there is something we can do to benefit and help support the baby's life.  Sometimes I hate knowledge so much.  It can so easily be used for evil instead of good and this is a perfect example.  A woman without knowledge of possible down syndrome with her baby has no thought or anxiety about whether she should keep the baby - in that case her ignorance is bliss.  But give her the knowledge that there is a possibility of her baby being born with down syndrome and the Devil can (and has and does!) do the rest by provoking her to fear, doubt and anxiety.  The devil wins when the parents abort their child because of the possibility of down syndrome.

This is why I am clinging to my faith.  My trust in Jesus and my hope in Him and the Blessed Mother to calm my anxiety.  Because I know the Devil is real and I know I am not ammune to fear and anxiety.  Please do not misunderstand my post.  There is no "choice" for us, we are keeping our sweet baby no matter what.  We have been blessed beyond belief with this precious life and we are going to meet her in early December!  But I do know myself, and I do fall prey to anxiety and fear.  I've already caught myself thinking that there must be something wrong with me if our baby does have down syndrome.  There must be something that I did wrong.  It's this kind of fear that I am struggling with now.  Not any "decision" or "what I should do now".  The devil is going to get me where he knows he can.  And with me it's usually always with self-doubt, feeling mad at myself, and becoming sad.

You're probably wondering what the soft markers were that they found today.  One was calcium on the heart.  Apparently this can go away and often does, and in and of itself it is not harmful to the baby at all.  But pair it with another soft marker for down syndrome and they start to worry you.  The other marker was cysts on the brain.  Like the first marker, this one can most likely go away in a few weeks, and as it is, is not harmful in and of itself to the baby's brain or anything.  It's just that the two markers together (calcium deposits on the heart and cysts found on the brain) can point to a more serious underlying problem with the baby, basically a chromosomal abnormality. 

I've been searching online about this...and I'm not even sure why.  Nothing is going to change our mind about anything (I feel like I can't say that enough!), I think I'm just craving to be put at ease somehow.  Has anyone had any markers for down syndrome come up on their ultrasound?  Does anyone know what the most common marker(s) is/are? 

I feel guilty even caring so much.  I mean, I will love our baby no matter what.  So why do I seek so many answers?  I'm not aware of anything that "heals" down syndrome.  From what I know, a person either has it or they don't.  I guess I'm just kind of shocked at the news.  I feel like this is a true test for me of not giving into the temptation to fear, feel guilty, be mad at myself, cry, and so on. 

Please say a prayer for me!  And please pray that the soft markers mean nothing and that our baby will continue to grow!!  Sweet baby girl, we all want to meet you in December!!!

Baby is ...................................

A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We just found out this morning and are so excited!!  Right now I am about 18 weeks along and feeling good.  I must say, for the longest time I was thinking that this baby is a boy, but knew I really couldn't know for sure.  It was a little bit surprising to find out that baby is a girl, but we are so thrilled and happy no matter what!

Here is a cute photo of our sweet little one.  Check out that cute little nose.  AHH!!!  Love it!  Enjoy!

Help Fertility Through Diet

I have been lazy in the blog department.  I have been reading your blogs and keeping you all in prayer, and I hope to be back now that I am feeling much better!!

I am officially in my second trimester and my energy level has increased, along with my appitite and overall sense of feeling good.  My doctor refers to the second trimester as the "honeymoon" trimester, and I would have to agree!  My husband and I have felt some movements that we think are our little peanut, and that has been just amazing.  In a couple weeks, we'll find out if we're having a boy or a girl.  No real feelings either way, but my husband said he had a dream early on that baby is a girl.  We shall see! 

It was this blog post that encouraged me to comment and share my positive experience with diet changes.  I was becoming quite the lurker before this, but realized that I've been feeling better, there's no excuse now for me to be lazy with the blogging. :)  Prayers going out to you, GIMH, I want to encourage you to have hope in strengthening your body through nutrient dense foods.  I've read about people curing their cancer, going COMPLETELY off their insulin through a raw whole foods diet. 

Why can't fertility be helped through diet changes?  There is no reason it can't.  Here are some of the books that have helped me in my journey to heal my body, from very painful periods, anxiety and mild depression to infertility:

http://www.amazon.com/Raw-Family-True-Story-Awakening/dp/0970481950/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340383250&sr=8-1&keywords=raw+family

http://www.amazon.com/Green-Life-Victoria-Boutenko/dp/155643930X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1340383250&sr=8-3&keywords=raw+family

http://www.amazon.com/The-China-Study-Comprehensive-Implications/dp/1932100660/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340383321&sr=1-1&keywords=china+study

http://www.amazon.com/Creating-Healthy-Children-Karen-Ranzi/dp/0615331505/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340383396&sr=1-2&keywords=raising+healthy+children


I consider these books required reading for all who are serious about taking their health into their own hands and seeing results!  Wow, I sound like an advertisement!!  Don't worry, I'm not being paid to say any of this. :)

I have so much hope for all those still waiting!  Please know you are in my daily prayers.

Moving Beyond Feelings

Weather really affects me.  I've always known this about myself, but for some reason that knowledge doesn't seem to make me feel any better when it's dreary outside for more than, say, a day at a time.  I start thinking silly things like, is it ever going to be nice outside again?  Ha.  Let's think about that for a minute...of course it will!  Hasn't time and history in general, shown me anything? Again, it's something I know, but I don't feel.

It seems like that is the case with so many things I know.  I know God is in control.  I know His timing is perfect and I know His love for me is beyond any human comprehension.  But those feelings?  Let's face it.  Sometimes those truths are really hard to feel. 

I even know what God wants from me.  He wants me to love Him and trust Him.  I know He doesn't want a half hearted trust, that He's asking for an unshakable, childlike trust.  And it's through that complete trust that we show our love.  St. Therese talks a lot about this.  Man, she has to be the master at a simple, childlike trust in our Lord.  The interesting thing is, oftentimes, she didn't feel His presence or feel her own confidence in His love for her, but she asserted it nonetheless. 

Thank goodness we don't need to feel something in order to do it.  Our will is in charge and we can choose to act a certain way even when it's the last thing we may feel we're capable of doing. There is real substance and merit when we follow our will towards the good that we know, especially when the feelings aren't there.

If we're feeling like we don't know how well we're trusting in God, that is the moment to assert our wills in a complete trust.  Blindly trust the Lord.  Make it known to Him that you have no feelings of trust, but that you're putting all your trust in Him anyway.  This simple act of humble love will prompt Jesus to treat us like the little child that we are.  And being His little child is great.  Our loving Father wants to give His little children everything their little hearts desire.  How could He refuse anything to one who trusts Him in this way?  

Please Pray

Please pray for TCIE and her husband that they may conceive a baby this cycle.  There is power in prayer and we have a great community of praying women, so let's get started, ladies!!!!!

Wonderful News

I am so happy for PPIW, and her new, sweet little baby GIRL!  Please go on over and congratulate her if you haven't already!

Increase My Trust

This post from Perfect Power in Weakness, has got me thinking about my own trust level with God. While I don't have the same past experiences as she writes about, I know I need to learn to trust God more. By the way, if you could offer a prayer for PPIW, I know she would appreciate it! She has such a beautiful soul and I really admire her honesty and her growing trust with God. I have so much to learn from her.

Being pregnant was what I prayed and wanted for so long, and now that I am expecting a baby, I feel so scared. I still have doubts about if I will be a good mother and if our baby will be born healthy and safely. These doubts may sound silly to most people reading this, but to me they are real and scary. I'm finally carrying a child and in no time at all this baby will be on the outside and will have needs and wants more important than my own. And that's what is so scary. Will I be able to meet those needs? Will I be sleep deprived and crabby all the time? I want so badly to be a good mother that I think I'm forgetting what motherhood boils down to. I think, but am not positive, that it boils down to love. I pray God fills me with His love so I am overflowing with it and my baby receives it unconditionally.

I think what's hard right now is that I'm still feeling sick. I haven't thrown up in almost a week, but I feel like I need to fairly often. I struggle to find foods that appeal to me and lately I have been waking up about three times at night to snack and ask my husband to roll over to help quiet his snoring. I feel physically and emotionally weak and I think it's been coloring all my thoughts about the future and is the source of my doubts and worries.

Dear Jesus, I long to trust you with my whole heart and my whole soul. I want to have an unconditional trust in your love for me so that nothing, literally, nothing, shakes me. I know this is what You desire me to have, so please give me Your graces now. Today is a special day for me. Two years ago today I gave my life to my husband and said yes to your loving plans for us. You, in turn, gave me a peace beyond anything I could have ever asked for. Please give me that same peace, trust and simple joy that I long for now. Thank you, in advance, from the bottom of this little heart of mine.

We're Doing Well

Wow, I've been away for a while and blogger has a "new look"! I hope it's easy to navigate. Things around here have been going alright. I am now taking shots of progesterone 200 mg, twice a week. I just had my first shot yesterday. This was a result of my levels being "good, but not great" and the two days in which I noticed spotting. The spotting was scary, but thankfully I haven't noticed it since. My doctor had me two oral pills per day until my shots arrived in the mail. That seemed to help a lot while I waited for my first injection. I also had my first ultrasound! It was taken at 6 weeks and 4 days. The baby just looked like an oval/circle and there was this little lighter area that we're told is the heart. We were able to see it flicker on the screen, and that was just amazing! I couldn't believe there was another heart beating inside of me, besides my own. I still haven't gotten tired of the wonder of that thought. Oh, and the heart rate was at a healthy 141 beats per minute! Our little sweet one is working hard growing! I've been feeling a little more tired and some days the nauseousness lingers longer than others. I've had a few days where I've thrown up, and thankfully it isn't as bad as I was worried it would be. I think I've felt better after vomiting each time, and sometimes that good feeling stays the remainder of the day. My diet has been really simple. I'm eating fruits and some brown rice pasta, gluten free / dairy free pretzels to help settle my stomach, green drinks and other simple things. Occasionally I will have something a little adventurous, and usually I'm not too happy I've done it after. My best friend fruit right now would have to be mangoes. We've gotten the organic kind from w.hole foods and wow, they're SO good!!! I was also pretty tight with the bananas, until I had one that was too under ripe and it upset my stomach. And before bed, I like to eat gluten free bread, toasted with vegan butter (Earth Balance) and almond butter. Yes, both on the same piece. Try it, you will thank me!! I think the toast and protein in the almond butter helps me sleep well and makes the following morning less icky-feeling. I've missed reading some of your blogs! I think feeling blah has made blogging - reading or writing - somewhat unappealing. But I hope to be back more shortly. Have a great night!

Worries

Today I got my latest progesterone results, it was 18. She said that is stable and to continue what I am doing and then to test in two weeks again.
I have been feeling much more tired and nauseous now. It's annoying and I sometimes have no idea what I feel like eating. I am going to try peppermint tea, my cousin told me that helped her a lot. Right now I have just been struggling with the way I feel physically and it's making me upset because I want to be so happy right now. I havent thrown up yet, but nausea has been with me for about the last four or five days. Any advice from my mom readers? I also feel like I'm worrying that throwing up is in my near future. For some reason I'm really scared to get sick like that. I mean, how bad will it be, how long will it last for? I feel so weak emotionally when I think of that. I don't want to be sick when my husband is at work. So I have been praying hard that I don't get really sick. I feel like a wimp. I've just been praying and saying to God that I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that, so He will have to help me if that's in my future. I think it's just this fear of the unknown I have. Morning sickness is not the end of the world. And gosh, shouldn't I know that? Was it me only a few weeks ago who felt like I could go through anything for my heart's desires? Now i have what I have longed for. I still need God so much. I feel like St. Augustine, when he said, "my heart is restless until it rests in you, oh Lord." How true that is.
I've been worrying. Worrying I'm not going to be a good mother. Worrying, what if I dont't find my baby beautiful? That last one is particularly hard for me to write here and so hard to admit that I worry about something so ridiculously vain and probably so pitiful. But it's true. My anxieties in the past, as now, are often very irrational. I haven't had these types of anxieties in so long, and they are resurfacing now. Now, when I would think I should be so happy. Maybe thats the problem right there. I'm putting stress and pressure on myself to be complaint and worry free. But I am so far from perfect, and I think I'd do well to remember that and stop romanticizing this time in my life. Changes are happening so fast in my body, it's so hard to stay completely emotionally stable and I just need to accept this and move on. I need to stop seeking perfection, with my emotions, my diet, my husband and life in general.
Please say a prayer that my worries subside. I need to stop being so hard on myself and place my full trust in God.

Prayer buddy reveal

This lent I was praying for, January, at To everything there is a season. January, I was praying hard for you this lent. I offered up my time of waiting and discomfort for you and all of your intentions. My husband and I also included you in our prayers at night. I am praying that God blesses you very soon with the gift of a pregnancy. It was so nice getting to know you this Lent and I look forward to keeping up with your journey and keeping you in my heart and prayers. God bless you!

Thank you to my prayer buddy, at IF Me. Thank you so much for your prayers for me. You mentioned you have a pretty good track record with prayer buddies. Does this mean you've had more than one prayer buddy who has become pregnant during your prayer for them? Wow! Do tell more. It was neat to learn you love singing and are in the choir at church also. Also, it encouraged me to know you respect my diet changes. It's so nice to know others are doing or have done a similar thing. You will be in my prayers for sure, and I look forward to getting to know you through your blog! God bless!

In Awe of God

Thank you both so much for your comments. I'm feeling better now. I'm going to check with my doctor next week to see if injections would be better. I guess I need to be thankful that I am in zone 2 and that at least 19 is higher than 17.3, which was my very first reading taken prior to supplementing. Maybe next week it will be at or over 20, that would be great.

After my dose yesterday I went to bed early and got a very good night sleep. I think I'm feeling fatigue little by little. I really have nothing to complain about though. God has blessed me so much and I really want to focus on being grateful throughout my pregnancy. It's so crazy writing that. My pregnancy. I am in complete awe God!

PPIW, your comment "have a blessed Holy Week, mama!" made me smile. Right back at ya, mama! Hehe I am Loving this new I'm a mama concept!

Results

I just got my blood results and progesterone was at 19. She said that's still within the normal range but she wants me to continue with the oral progesterone daily and skip Sunday's dose again. Then I will test the following day.
Does anyone have experience with doing this sort of thing? Is 19 a good level of progesterone? I believe some of you have needed progesterone supplementation, and right now I'm wanting to read your blogs so badly, but I can't until after lent is over. Oh well. I guess this is a holy week frustration I can offer up for my prayer buddy and all of my readers.

More Thanksgiving!

Today I had my third blood draw. I can't wait for the results. Last night I had to remind myself to Not take my Prometrium supplement so my doc can see how the one day skip has affected me. Will my body be producing enough progesterone for me to cut back on the 200 mg? We shall see.
I recently received a comment from my first ever prayer buddy and she sweetly informed me that she has never had her prayer buddy prayers result in a pregnancy or adoption before. Well, TCIE, God certainly heard your prayers for me during Advent, and I am SO thankful to you. I was so amazed when I read that you were my Advent prayer buddy, because your blog seems to be THE blog that started this whole online community. Still not quite sure how you got me as your prayer buddy! It must have been all in God's plan. Since God is outside of time, is all knowing and all loving, I think He matched me with you and listened dearly to your prayers for me. He really does hear your prayers. I am your proof. As a thank you, I would like to send you a gift via snail mail. You have my email address, would you email me your mailing address so I can ship something to you? I am going to a Lenten Prayer event tonight and I have the perfect gift in mind for you and your husband!! You are in my thoughts and prayers this holy week and I can't wait to send you something in the mail!

Some Thoughts

It's cold again here. The couple weeks we had of really nice warm weather have been put on hold for a little while. I think it should start getting warmer again next week and hopefully our weather just follows that trend.

I've felt a little yucky a few times, but it passes. Nothing like what I imagine morning sickness to be. I've also been noticing that I have major morning sweats now. They're annoying, but I guess it could be worse. I had been super thirsty, but my thirst has calmed down a little bit these past couple days. I'm trying not to over analyze my symptoms. I don't want them to disappear, because I know that can be a bad sign. But I also know that some women don't have very many symptoms early on or during their entire pregnancy. I need to remember that everyone is different and try not to compare or worry.

I've also been thinking a lot about my diet, again. Right now, my husband and I eat gluten free and mostly vegan. Sometimes, I feel somewhat self conscious about this, and worry I'm not going to be able to handle people's opinions or advice about our diet. Especially when, God willing, the baby arrives and we're at the point of transitioning to solid foods. I'm going to want to just introduce fruits and veggies and gluten free whole grains. No dairy, meat or processed foods. I want to breastfeed exclusively for the first year and then I want to supplement with breastfeeding through the second year, while introducing organic whole foods to my baby, little by little. Am I going to be confident enough to feed my family this way? I really want to be, but a small voice in my brain is very critical and doesn't trust myself. Ugh. If you have any words of support and encouragement for me, I would love it.

I can't believe Lent is almost over. Good Friday is only a week away! I cannot believe God has blessed us with a BABY this Lent!!! Is this real? Is this my life? It must be someone else who just became pregnant. It can't be me! Oh my goodness, it is. This is so crazy and so wonderfully amazing.

I'm thankful I made this blog and can share my complete joy with you here. I would love to meet all my readers some day, I know there have been so many blogger meet-ups, and they sound like so much fun!! If anyone lives in driving distance of Boston, let me know, I'd love to plan a get together!

Patience

I guess I'm going to be practicing patience no matter what stage of "waiting" I'm in. This kind of waiting does not compare at all to the wait for a pregnancy, though. Waiting for the call today was difficult, but I shouldn't even complain about it. Anyway, I just got the call. My HCG doubled from 323 to 671, which I guess is good because they like to see it double every two days. Thank you God! As for my progesterone, it went from 17.3 to 33. She told me to continue with the oral 200 mg of my progesterone supplement every night and to have my blood drawn again this coming Monday (a week from last blood draw) but this time she wants me to not take the supplement the night before my blood draw. I feel so confident in my doctor's care, I cannot express it enough. Thanks so much for praying for me. You are always in my prayers, as well. I'm praying for my prayer buddy, especially, that she is wonderfully blessed this Easter!!!!

Waiting and Praying

Please say a quick prayer that my doctor's office calls me back before they close today. I am waiting to hear the results of my Monday's blood draw. I will post them when they come in. Please God, allow my baby to grow and stay in one spot for the next nine months! St. Joseph, pray for us.

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and support! They mean so much to me!! I am going again today to have my hcg and progesterone checked. We were able to have them both checked already on Saturday morning, too! The results were sent from the lab to my doctor that same day and I got a call from my doctor at 4pm! I couldn't believe how fast it was all happening and what a relief it was to get feedback so soon. She confirmed that I am indeed pregnant and told me my level of progesterone was at 17.3. She said she would like it at or above 20, but since I seemed to have found out so early (she said it was probably the earliest I could have found out from a home pregnancy test!) she thinks that's the reason it's lower than 20. She isn't very worried, but didn't want to take any chances, so she advised I take the prescription for progesterone that she had called in for me earlier that day. So I took 200 mg of oral progesterone after I got off the phone with her. It made me dizzy and sleepy, but she told me I could feel nauseous and tired, so I just ended up taking a nap.

I have to say, my Napro doctor is amazing and I am so thankful for her. I would recommend her to anyone - just leave a comment if you want her name and location!!! She works with people from all over the country, so don't worry if you're not in the same state, I'm not even in the same state she works in! I really feel like I'm in good hands and was so relieved to have her help me with getting a blood test done so soon and for calling in a prescription over the phone for me. So I've been taking the 200 mg of progesterone in the evening these past two nights. I guess it will depend on my blood results today if I'm able to discontinue the oral supplementation (I'm not sure I want to do that yet) or continue what I'm taking now or if I'll need to switch to injections...either way, I'm praying for good results!!

I'm a little nervous because it's still so early. I'm trying to be thankful to God and trust in Him completely. I haven't been feeling tired though and it worries me a little because that's kind of a "classic" sign, it seems. I have been feeling extra thirsty and going to the bathroom more, but besides a few mood swings, I don't really feel bad.

I'm actually feeling better now than I do normally. Maybe that's due to the fact that I'm drinking at least one organic greens powder drink each day, sometimes two. I also think eliminating gluten and dairy, as well as cutting out processed foods, has helped me immensely. For example, I used to snack on plain potato chips or tortilla chips with salsa all the time. There's no gluten in chips (just potatoes, salt and oil) so it was an easy snack, but I think I may have become a little addicted to them and was eating them way too much. Now, we've got no chips in our house. I missed them initially, but not anymore! In their place, I now eat whole fruits, brown rice and veggies. I love brown rice with avocado (doctor wanted me to try to put on a little weight so I try to eat an avocado each day now) and organic salsa. It's so good!!!! We've also cut out most animal products, except for a small amount of eggs in gluten free deserts. How that's helped with my fertility, I'm not sure, but it's definitely helped my complexion and I feel less sluggish when I get out of bed, go up and down stairs. In general, I think these diet changes have led me to consume more whole foods. We've been buying organic produce, and I think that's key. I still take a prenatal and B6, but feel I am also getting plenty of vitamins through whole foods and either my powdered green drink or a blended drink of fresh/frozen fruits and leafy green vegetables.

It's so funny, when it's morning now, I'm just AWAKE! I think it's part physical but also part psychological. Normally I would sleep late into the morning - mostly because I didn't have anything I needed to get up for, and it was sometimes a little depressing for me. But now I feel like I don't have the desire to sleep the morning away. I feel so happy and I feel so good physically, too!

If you're still waiting and reading this, I want to encourage you to have hope!! You are in my prayers and I also want to encourage you to pray to St. Joseph. I don't want to keep quiet about him because I believe so strongly in his powerful intercession and want you to, as well. I'm not alone in this opinion, at least two doctors of the church (Aquinas and St. Teresa of Avila) back me up on this one, so pray and trust in St. Joseph's humble and powerful intercession!! Also, I am now a firm believer in a gluten and dairy free diet. I also feel it's helpful all around to eat less processed foods. And, as this post from Hebrews inspired me to find a Napro doctor and start my own blog so I could get in on the prayer buddy action, I hope it will inspire you to do the same if you haven't already! May God bless you all and thank you SO much for your prayers and support. I am overjoyed to have made friends in this community of wonderful ladies!!

Our Little Announcement on the Feast of the Annunciation

Yesterday morning, my husband and I found out that I am pregnant!

Thank you, God!!
Thank you, St. Joseph!!
Thank you, Grandma in heaven!!
Thank you, my lenten prayer buddy!!
Thank you, to all my readers praying for me!!
Thank you, Hebrews, who inspired me to seek out a Napro doctor!!

We are bursting with pure joy and happiness over here!!!!!! I am really, truly, pregnant and this is just so amazing!!!!

Please pray for our little one to stay put and grow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Early Morning

Thank you all so much for your prayers. My husband just left for work and I couldn't really fall back sleep, so here I am. Since yesterday I've been saying a prayer that has helped me calm my worries. Each time I'm in the bathroom and I could possibly see the start of my period, I've been saying, "Lord Jesus, walk me through this, I'm not strong enough". And I've also been talking to St. Joseph more and asking him to beg Jesus for a healthy pregnancy for my husband and I. I really don't have anything else to do but wait.

I must say, I'm so happy I started praying again to St. Joseph. I prayed to him a lot when I was single and even asked him for specific qualities that I desired in my future spouse. I think I even wrote down a whole list of things I hoped my husband would be. Patient, generous, loving, funny, gentle, smart, hardworking and so forth. Well, I'm happy to report that my husband is all of those things and so much more. I really couldn't have picked a better person for myself than my dear hubby. And I thank St. Joseph for that. He also helped me when I was struggling with anxiety before my wedding. I prayed fervently to him every day. I brought a pocketbook sized prayer book, "Favorite Prayers to St. Joseph", into work and was able to read through some of my favorite prayers each day. I am confident that he helped me to be fully ready for my wedding day and have a peace beyond anything I dreamed. For some reason, I kind of became lazy about praying to him. I guess it's really true that when things are going well, it's easy for a life of prayer to atrophy. I once heard that in the spiritual life, there is no "staying the same". We're always either growing closer to God or falling farther away. That struck me, because it reminded me that the spiritual life takes work and constant striving to grow closer to God, for we don't stay on a horizontal plane. We're always moving in on direction or the other. Isn't that something? Back to St. Joseph, I just love him so much. He is a humble Saint, not having much said about him in the bible, but the mere fact that he was chosen above any other man, to guard and protect Mary and Jesus while on earth, is just mind-blowing. God must think very highly of him and, since he was foster father to our Lord, how can Jesus refuse him any request?

Here are some of my favorite quotes written about him:

Words of St. Thomas Aquinas:

"Some Saints are privileged to extend to us their patronage with particular efficacy in certain needs, but not in others; but our holy patron St. Joseph has the power to assist us in all cases, in every necessity, in every undertaking."

St. Teresa's "Guarantee". Words of St. Teresa of Avila:

"To other Saints Our Lord seems to have given power to succor us in some special necessity--but to this glorious Saint, I know by experience, He has given the power to help us in all. Our Lord would have us understand that as He was subject to St. Joseph on earth--for St. Joseph, bearing the title of father and being His guardian, could command Him--so now in Heaven Our Lord grants all his petitions. I have asked others to recommend themselves to St. Joseph, and they, too, know the same this by experience..." -Autobiography, VI, 9

I thought this one was pretty neat, especially since the Feast of the Annunciation is this Sunday:

The Vision of St. Gertrud

Once, on the feast of the Annunciation, St. Gertrude had a vision during which the Heavenly Mother revealed to her the glory of her spouse, St. Joseph, in order to awaken in the Saint a greater love for him and to encourage her to have confidence in his intercession. Of this vision St. Gertrude wrote:

"I saw Heaven opened and St. Joseph sitting upon a magnificent throne. I felt myself wonderfully affected when, each time his name was mentioned, all the Saints made a profound inclination toward him, showing by the serenity and sweetness of their looks that they rejoiced with him on account of his exalted dignity."

And finally, if the above hasn't convinced you to pray to St. Joseph more, here are words of St. Alphonsus Liguori:

"Since we all must die, we should cherish a special devotion to St. Joseph, that he may obtain for us a happy death. All Christians regard him as the advocate of the dying who had honored him during their life, and that for three reasons:

'First, because Jesus Christ loved him not only as a friend, but as a father, and on this account his mediation is far more efficacious than that of any other Saint.

Second, because St. Joseph has obtained special power against the evil spirits, who tempt us with redoubled vigor at the hour of death.

Third, the assistance given St. Joseph at his death by Jesus and Mary obtained for him the right to secure a holy and peaceful death for his servants. Hence, if they invoke him at the hour of death he will not only help them, but he will also obtain for them the assistance of Jesus and Mary.'"

Well, that's all for now. I'm thankful to a friend who emailed me on his feast day with that special prayer I posted a couple days ago. St. Joseph has helped me so much in the past, I'm looking forward to getting back into a habit of praying to him. I hope this post has encouraged you to remember him when you pray, too! I love thinking that Jesus cannot refuse any of his requests!

Wow, this post is really long. Time to go.

Please Pray

Well, I still haven't gotten my period, but it could come any time now. Tomorrow I will be 15 dpo. I haven't noticed any more spotting. It happened twice yesterday morning and then a very small amount again that afternoon. I have no idea what caused it and for some reason I'm afraid to find out. :(

I must say I've been feeling rather hopeful each time I've noticed the spotting, which is funny because I'm not even sure it's something to be hopeful about.

Oh prayer buddy, please pray for me!

Jesus, I trust in You!

More Spotting

This morning I noticed more spotting, only this time it was bright red. Is that a bad sign? I woke up to use the bathroom around 3 am and noticed it then, which made it super hard for me to fall back to sleep, wondering if this could possibly be it. Then when my husband left for work, I used the bathroom again and noticed more spotting. Both times it was only on my tissue. Usually if I'm starting my period, I notice it on my underwear first. Right now I'm only on cd22 and 13 dpo. What does this mean?! I usually have a 15 day LP, though one month it was only 14. But to get my period this early, on cd 22, that's really never happened to me before! I think 26 days was my shortest cycle ever. I hope the HSG test I had last month didn't messed up my cycles and cause them to be irregular now. Has anyone had that happen to them? Or maybe it cleared something out and has allowed me to conceive? I think I may try to get some more sleep this morning, even though I really don't feel tired at all after this. Ahhh! St. Joseph, pray for us!!

Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day we're having here today! Spring has definitely sprung here and I couldn't be happier! Yesterday I was raking our yard and clearing out the front bushes/garden area. It looks a lot better now. I was out there wearing shorts and a tee, and then went in to change into a tank top. I was thrilled to be dressed as if it were summer on March 19th.

I hope everyone had a wonderful St. Joseph's feast day. I wish I had posted the prayer reminder earlier, but hopefully some of you caught it while it was still the 19th. I included all of your intentions when making my requests, so fear not! :)

I think the reason I tested negative on Sunday may be because it was far too early. It was also a dollar tree test, so I hope that by waiting longer and if necessary getting a better test, it will be positive! Today I'm on cd21 and 12 dpo. So I think I will plan to test this Friday, if I make it that long. If my period still hasn't arrived and I test negative, then I'll test again on day 17 or 18. Waiting is so hard, but I guess there's no better time to wait than during lent. St. Joseph please hear my prayers said on your special day and grant me my request! Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us. St. Joseph, pray for us.

Special Prayer for Today

I wanted to share this with you all before the day is over:

St. Teresa of Avila (Autobiography) re: St. Joseph

"For some years now, I have made some request of him (St. Joseph) every year on HIS FEAST (March 19), and I have always had it granted. If my petition is in any way ill directed, he directs it aright for my greater good..."

"I ONLY BEG, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THAT ANYONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE ME PUT HIM TO THE TEST, and he will see by experience what great advantages come from his commending himself to this glorious patriarch and having devotion to him!"

(Quotes from the Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila)

I have just finished writing my request and feel confident in the humble power of our dear St. Joseph. Have a good night!

St. Joseph

Happy Feast day everyone! My husband and I have a special love for St. Joseph, so I'm praying for all of you today.
I've been a bit emotional these past few days. Waiting to see if my period arrives is so tough. This cycle seems different than my past ones, and I am hopeful, but feel afraid to be let down again. I showed my charts to my husband last night and wanted to see what he thought. The truth is, no matter how much we analyze the charts, only time will tell and that means patience. And we all know that patience is not easy!
I seemed to ovulate early this past month. Usually it's around day 11 and this month it was day 9. Then on cd 15 (6 dpo) I had the spotting. I only noticed it once and it was light pink. Compared to other cycles, this one had only two or three days max of fertile cm and then the peak day. Other cycles I have around 5. I'm not sure what else the spotting could be from. Husband and I had relations (I don't really like that word, but can't think of a more internet friendly one)on peak day and then not around the day I noticed the spotting. I'm hoping these things are all good. What do you think?
Yesterday I took a test (the dollar store kind) and it was negative. I'm pretty sure it was too early, but felt like trying. It's cd20 today and 11 dpo. I think I should wait a few more days to retest. Or perhaps I could try waiting until after I am late again (oh what a concept), that seems more reliable, but we will see if I can be patient long enough.
Thank you all so much for your prayers!

Late Night

Ugh. I can't sleep. I was so fumed earlier over an email I received from a relative of mine. My husband and I were all set to go to a friends house and I knew I shouldn't read the email before we left, but did it anyway. When will I learn? As expected, my whole mood went from great to terrible in no time. I've gotten upset after reading emails from this same person in the past, so I really should've known better. Sometimes I just can't help it and my curiosity wins.
So now I can't sleep and I'm downstairs reading some of the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend (sp?) I feel like I've referenced this book a lot recently because of this relative of mine. But I must say, it's a good book, especially if you are like me and find it hard to say no to someone, stand your ground, not feel guilty and all that good stuff.
I realized that it was my problem I was so upset with her email, and that I am the only one who can take responsibility for my feelings. She isn't making me feel anything. That may seem obvious to some of you, but for me it's something I keep having to remind myself over and over again. So when she writes things that seem to imply that she thinks her and her husband are holier because of all the struggles their going through, it hurts, but that doesn't mean it's true. God is the judge of holiness; humans are not. And since when is bragging about your holiness or the heavy crosses that you bear something that automatically makes you saintly? Humility is key. Take Saint Therese for example. All the other nuns in her convent thought she was just another nun. Nothing special about Sister Therese, she became a nun, lived in a convent, and died - I think that's what another nun described her as. Little did they know the interior life of this nun. For that's where it all happened. Not for the world to see or judge. And certainly, Therese wasn't talking about herself as if she were anything special. In fact, she decided inwardly that she could never possibly be a "great" saint, she could only be a humble little flower for God. Oh, there is so much beauty to her spirituality, I could go on forever. And, look, she's been made Doctor of the Church! She must have had something right.
I reread the email again and it didn't make me as mad this time. Gosh, I'm so glad I didn't reply back with what I had wanted to at the time. My sensible husband can be thanked for that one, because it wouldn't have been too charitable of me! Sigh. Oh dear Jesus, please help me not pay attention to the emails that upset me. Please help me to guard my heart and keep my boundaries with this person because my peace is so easily upset by her. My peace is too precious, I need to be watchful. Please help me avoid those ways and please help me to keep my focus on you! You are my judge and you know my heart.

Hope

This evening something caught me by surprise. There was a light pink spot on my bathroom tissue. I was surprised and immediately thought, this could be implantation! I actually brought the tissue to my husband and went on about how I am P+6 today and I think that implantation occurs around this time. I remember reading somewhere that it could be between 6 to 10 days after ovulation. I would check that, but I'm not supposed to be browsing the internet until Sunday. I figured updating my blog wasn't "browsing" so that's why I'm here. :) Plus, this is kind of important! I need to alert my prayer buddy to keep praying whatever she is praying and to let all my readers know to continue their prayers, too. :) But really, I'm kind of not sure what to think. I have been feeling pretty normal, though my husband and I did have a pretty big fight the other night over a tablet computer. Maybe that could be another post, it was silly really. The past few days I've been having 6CPY 1x each day and haven't noticed much besides feeling tired some days and not others, and feeling more hungry on some days (like yesterday) and not too hungry on other days (today).

I know, I said I'd try extra hard not to analyze each symptom, but I've never had pink show up on my tissue before this. Nothing even like it outside of my period. So it's made me rethink everything that's happened in the past few days. Well, it's in God's hands now and I just need to wait. I'm remaining hopeful and am praying to Our Lady of Guadalupe!

I'm offering my prayers and waiting up for you all and especially my dear lenten prayer buddy.

Springing Forward

Today is spring forward! I love this time of the year. The next big day is St. Patrick's day and then the first day of spring. I used to not the like month of March, but now I'm changing my mind. March is good because it's the beginning of everything good to come, weather wise. I love April for that reason, too. From there is just keeps getting better. :) May is special to my heart because it's my birthday month and my anniversary month. There is nothing that makes me happier than seeing tulips pop up through the cold dark earth with their bright and beautiful colors. They are so simple, I love them. The sun starts to feel warmer and it takes up a different spot in the sky and you know it's a spring and summer sun in the making.
I'm feeling much better since my last post. Thanks for all the encouragement and support. I'm sticking with my diet because I AM feeling better and I can't ignore what my body tells me. You readers are the best. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not crazy and thanks for helping to put my worries to rest.
Right now I'm on P+3. I feel hopeful again this month. The day after my peak day, I was really tired and noticed some pains in my stomach. I was expecting to have a later peak day, because I didn't have too much peak quality cm prior to peak day and I usually have more days of that. Would fertile type cm just stop if conception occurred? I'm feeling really hopeful!! I know the first phase of a cycle varies more than the second half, but I feel like even my first phase has become somewhat predictable. I guess time will tell. I'm not really tired anymore, it was only the first day after my peak, so maybe it was nothing. I will try my best not to analyze each and every tiny thing over the next week, but boy is that hard. Prayer buddy, please pray for my intention! I want to find out I'm pregnant this Easter and I want to have a baby on or around December 12, 2012, the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us! Does anyone else determine what their hypothetical due date would be? Hoping I'm not really weird! :)