Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Stress

I've been stressing these past couple days.  I don't think I've mentioned this here before, but I have been / still am taking a medication for anxiety.  Over the past few months I've been slowly weaning myself off of it.  Right now I'm taking a low 25 mg dose.  I just went down to that dose yesterday, and wouldn't you know that something so stressful for me happens on that same day?  I said to myself, this is not the day for this news to be coming to me!  Oh well.  Life goes on, I guess, even when we think there will be nothing upsetting or anxiety producing coming.

First, I'll start by saying that everything with baby is just fine.  Thanks be to God.  This stressful event has nothing to do with baby, actually.  And before I get into the stress talk, I'll just mention some good news we've had.  My prog. was 81 on Monday, and we've officially been done with injections for a few weeks now and my doc. said they are going to stop monitoring me!  She said if I notice any spotting or cramping, to call them, but otherwise I am good to go.  I was thrilled!  We also started looking into a birthing method and have found a local teacher.  We start classes next week and will be training in the Brad.ley Method.  We've also been seeking out a midwife, as I've been feeling more and more drawn to having that extra support and presence during labor.  I have a few meetings with different midwives next week.  It's all a little stressful, and I'm sure doesn't help with the big stress that came yesterday (will get to that shortly) but I figure, I better switch now if I prefer a midwife over a doctor.

On to the big stress of yesterday.  It all started with a call from my friend who relayed some really rather personal information about one of my relatives (with whom I do not have a good relationship with).  She got this information through. . . you guessed it, fac.ebook!  Did I tell you before how much I dislike that site?  Ugh.  Anyway, first some background info on this relative of mine.  A few months back, when I told her I was expecting, she was the only one who was not excited for me.  Her whole tone was of concern and worry over why I was telling people so soon (umm...possibly because we were so excited and had been waiting to share wonderful news like this?)  We honestly felt no desire to wait and see, before we told family and friends our joyful news.  So this relative was really shocking me with her reactions, I couldn't believe I had to basically repeat over and over again that we were so excited and happy to be expecting and we had so much hope for our little one!  It wasn't going well.  She was saying things to me like, "well, m, no matter what, you'll always be a mother"  I'm thinking - excuse me?  Are you trying to tell me that I'm going to miscarry?  I was so hurt.  God forbid we miscarry, why does she have to bring that up when I'm sharing wonderful news now.  Hurt feelings were growing and growing inside of me, the longer we talked, the harder it got.  Then, she asked if I was seeing a doctor.  I know she was just concerned for us, but I'm an adult, I can take care of myself, and quite frankly, did not want to tell her anything about us going to a N.apro doctor because she's the kind of person who would just give tons and tons of unwanted advice.  She has two kids, you see, so she knows everything!!!  Sorry, I'm being sarcastic there.  There really isn't anyone who quite gets under my skin as this relative of mine.  So, you get the point.  The phone call was horrible, and the emails and texts from her that came pouring in after she knew that 1. we were indeed seeing a doctor, and 2. the doctor is an excellent one.  So I was getting emails about what the doctor was telling me, if I was taking progesterone, and all this personal stuff, that quite frankly, I share freely on here, but I did NOT want to ever share with her.  So I took control and I told her that her emails were really upsetting me and to please stop contacting me.  Done.  This person and I have always been at odds, and I finally, finally stuck up for myself.  I put up boundaries where there were none before, and since then I have been so free.

Fast forward to yesterday.  My friend tells me that this same annoying relative of mine (above) shared with her and some others, that she had miscarried a few months ago.  As it turns out, she could have miscarried a couple weeks after I stopped all communication between us.  She was either due the same month as I am or the following month.  My friend told me partly in effort to maybe help me understand why this relative of mine could have been so rude to me.  But it doesn't make sense to me.  If she were expecting when I told her I was, why wouldn't she tell me?  I guess that's obvious, because she doesn't tell people right away.  But, still, it all doesn't make sense to me.  I hate, hate, hate thinking this, but my first thought when I heard the news was - is that true?  She was really expecting around that same time as me and we were due around the same time?  I don't think anyone would lie about something like that.  But you have to understand, there has been such a rough history between this person and I.  But still, I don't think it is a lie.  So now I feel terrible.  I feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting myself.  Shouldn't I have given her the info she wanted about my doctor / charting?  Shouldn't I have told her that yes, I was taking progesterone?  Could I have helped her pregnancy?  These and so many other guilt-filled thoughts have been stressing me out to the max. I keep telling myself that I did nothing wrong.  She never told me anything about herself expecting - so how was I to know?  She was just bugging me so much and I felt I needed to put major distance between us.  Who knew that only a month later she would miscarry.

I'm frustrated because I feel like she is never truly happy for me.  I feel terrible thinking that she now won't be able to be happy for me because of her loss.  I guess it's totally wrong of my to be dependent on her happy feelings for me.  But I have been waiting for this joyful time in my life and now I feel like it's more sad than joyful.  After all, it's going to remind her of her loss.  It isn't my fault at all, but my baby will most likely make her really sad.  And that thought just makes me super, super hurt.

This post has gotten way too long.  I better end it here.  I think I need prayers to feel sympathy for this person.  Am I taking this all too personally?  Am I only thinking of myself here?  It's just been hard learning of this news.  Please say a prayer for me and offer any thoughts and advice that come to mind.  I hope I don't sound like a mean, selfish person with all of this.  Your prayers and comments are greatly appreciated!