Needing God's Grace

I've heard that you never stop learning about the person you're married to, and that you can always improve the way you relate, communicate and how you love them.  Last night I learned a lot about myself, too.  

I have a really hard time when my husband expresses his feelings.  Obviously, his happy feelings are no problem for me, but when he's sad, hurt or upset by something (especially something I've done), it's like all my reason flies out the window and I become a blubbering mess.  I think his feelings scare me.  I feel like maybe he is going to stop loving me or maybe it's true and I'm a terrible wife.  If he's hurt or sad because of something I've done, I've noticed I go from really scared to angry in like .2 seconds.  This of course, makes him feel worse, because now I'm angry at him for his feelings.  He then feels "trapped".  It's a weird chain of events, but I know I'm the one who needs to work on improving how I relate.

I generally have a pretty strong personality.  My husband is really easy going and not much bothers him.  He is so patient with me and almost never loses his cool.  It seems like I'm the always the one who "brews" the arguments and my poor husband takes it all in stride.  I am truly blessed to be his wife and I know he feels blessed to be married to me, too, but I am so far from perfect.  Last night, and on other occasions, I have felt like I need to change and grow.  We'll soon be welcoming our first born into our home and our world, and it occurred to me that I absolutely cannot prevent my child from sharing her feelings, scary as they may be to me or not.  I don't ever want my behavior to scare or make someone feel trapped.  And here was my husband, being a mirror to me of who I am.  The reflection I saw told me that I need growth, I need to change, and I need God's grace.

We had a wonderful talk, and my husband was clear with me that he feels like he can't tell me for example if he's feeling hurt by me or sad if he feels like he's failed me in some way.  He told me when he feels like he can't communicate those feelings to me, it makes him feel trapped and feeling trapped is much worse for him than feeling hurt or sad.  Something finally clicked in me and I realized that his initial feelings scare me, but that I need to let him communicate them because he's human and his feelings are valid.  Getting mad at his feelings isn't really my honest reaction anyway, so I need to stop showing anger.  I loved our talk.  We both understand each other better now and hopefully things will go better next time.  We don't have a perfect marriage by any means, but honestly, who does?  One thing I think we both have is the desire to learn, to grow and to improve ourselves.  

I told God last night that I want Him to refine me.  I want Him to make me the kind of wife that is prefect for my husband and the kind of mother that is perfect for my children.  As I write that, I wonder, gosh is that a tall order, so much to ask God for!  But doesn't He call us all to perfection like His Heavenly father is perfect?  I know it's through my vocation that I will become holy, and I ultimately want to be a saint.  So, that's where I am right now.  Out with my old ways of communicating with my husband when he is hurt, sad or disappointed in himself.  In with my new way of relating.  God, give me the graces to listen without fear or anger to my husband's emotions.  Let me be a balm to his soul and let me always remind him that no matter what, I love him and am so blessed to be his wife.

Fatigue and Prayers for a friend

I've been feeling fatigue lately and it's taken some getting used to.  I think ever since I've stopped the anxiety med I've noticed more fatigue.  Maybe that's just a coincidence?  I don't know.  I have been trying to do the exercises recommended from our birth class, and honestly, if I do anything more (load of laundry, dishes, cooking) I'm pretty much beat and need to rest for the remainder of the day.  Oh, and I sleep in pretty late each morning, so you'd think I'm getting enough sleep - unless the sleep I'm getting throughout the night isn't as restful as it used to be.  Maybe I need an iron supplement.  Is this fatigue normal for the third trimester?  My husband wants me to try to do less around the house (what a good man!) but it's so hard for me.  I feel the need to do this and get that done and I'm making LISTS all. the. time.  My husband comes home to a list of stuff that is crucial (in my mind at least) to get done tonight.  So last night he took out the air conditioner in our bedroom, and did a few other things that had been on my brain and now on my list -ha!  Thank God for my patient and understanding husband, he actually told me that he is less tired after he comes home from work when he does things that are active, so he doesn't mind the list.  He told me that he's like a Labrador Retriever and needs things to keep him busy.  I thought that was the cutest thing ever and it made me feel so much better for giving him stuff to do.  Hehe I love my Lab.
 
I am in my eighth month now.  All I can say is, praise God!  I have so much joy in my heart at the thought of meeting our little one in about two months.  I still have moments of worry and fear that come, but they generally don't persist after I talk about them to my husband or write about them here.  Praise God for my loving husband and for this wonderful faith-filled community.  Our little corner of the internet is so special.  I just loved seeing so many posts yesterday about St. Therese on her feast day. God and the saints are truly with us all and that is something so very very special.  I'm so thankful I started my own blog just about one year ago.  I was inspired by this wonderful blog to seek napro treatment and start my own blog.  Speaking of this blogger, please pray for her and her family now - your prayers will be most appreciated!!  Have a great week everyone, God bless!